This is a story told by Lin Chi, which a close friend sent to me a while ago, and now I feel the urge to pass it on. For me, it is the best thing I have ever encountered regarding how we can stop taking life’s events personally.
“When I was young, I used to enjoy rowing. I had a small boat, and I would float alone on the lake for hours. Once, I was sitting with my eyes closed, meditating. It was a beautiful night. An empty boat floated downstream and struck mine. Anger rose within me! I opened my eyes and was about to curse the person who had disturbed me, but I saw that the boat was empty. There was no one to direct my anger toward.
There was nothing left to do but close my eyes and begin to look at my anger. The moment I saw it, I took the first step on my Path. In that quiet night, I drew closer to my inner center. The empty boat became my teacher. Since then, if someone tried to offend me and anger rose within me, I would laugh and say to myself: ‘This boat is also empty.’ I would close my eyes and journey deep within myself.” — Lin Chi
The empty boat is a wonderful teacher for everyone, not just Lin Chi. The key to developing an impersonal approach is making a distinction between “personally experiencing things” and “taking things personally.” To feel angry when someone bumps into you is a personal experience. To become enraged at this person because they bumped into you is a personal acceptance of their action. The occasion for feeling angry does not coincide with the cause of being angry. In one case, the reaction is due to the stress and pain the impact caused us. In the other, it includes the thought that the other person should not do such things, especially to you, who did nothing to deserve it. In the first case, the anger passes quickly and we continue undisturbed on our way. In the second case, it holds us for a long time. The body has long forgotten the shock of the hit, yet we remain on the road, cursing the villain.
Not taking things from life personally is like being rained on; you are soaked to the bone, it is unpleasant, but it doesn’t even occur to you to think the weather is like this because of you. That, however, is the easy part. It refers to the “other boat.” The harder part refers to our “own boat.” We must not take it personally either, simply because it, too, is a phenomenon from the world of the transient. It exists now, but a time comes when it also goes out of use. At that point, we don’t just stop blaming the rain; we also stop blaming ourselves for not taking an umbrella. We know that in such a situation, the best we can do is decide what to do in that situation. And to remind ourselves that next time we should be more mindful of the weather forecast to be better prepared when it rains. If we don’t blame ourselves for forgetting our umbrella, we will discover there were things that “helped us forget it.” For example, that we prefer getting rained on over carrying extra luggage.
For me, this is the truly difficult part with “empty boats” — not only is the other boat empty, our own is also empty. Or more precisely, ours must also be emptied of the “part that takes things personally,” which in its essence represents the various negative forms of the ego. Developing such neutrality is, for me, a criterion for the phase of our internal transformation processes.
Of course, the experience of emotions will always be present. If someone bumps us and knocks us to the ground, it is quite natural to feel angry. The difference will be that the one who fans the fire of anger is no longer there. Therefore, we will quickly get up from the ground, brush the dust off our pants, see what can be done, and continue on our way. When we stop taking things personally, we discover that the duration of our negative states begins to shrink. The stone splashes into the water, makes a few ripples, and everything settles back into stillness.
The strength that comes from not taking things personally is immense. The rule “don’t take anything personally” is the second of the “Four Agreements” in the book of the same name by Don Miguel Ruiz. According to him, if we manage to embody this agreement in our lives, we will be able to travel across the entire world with a completely open heart and no one will hurt us.
“You will be able to say, ‘I love you,’ without fear of being ridiculed or rejected. You will not be afraid to ask for what you need. You will be able to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – whichever you choose – without judging yourself and feeling guilty. You will be able to always follow your heart. Then even in the midst of hell, you will experience inner peace and happiness. You will be able to remain in bliss and hell will not affect you at all.” — Don Miguel Ruiz, The Second Agreement
I agree. When our boat is emptied of the negative contents of the “ego,” the one who fears rejection is no longer there. Only its positive forms remain. Only the boat remains. We understand that although the occasion for anger comes from outside, the cause for it is internal. At the same time, we discover that the cause for love is also within us. The other boat was only the stimulus to find what is in our own boat.
If I were to express it in the style of the “Warrior of the Light,” I would say: The Warrior of the Light does not allow his inner accusing voice to disempower him. He listens to it carefully and then tells it that everyone has the right to learn from their mistakes. The Warrior of the Light admits his mistake, learns from it, but never looks at himself as a mistake.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
