The human psyche is exceptionally complex. Most of the reasons behind what happens in our lives lie outside the area illuminated by our conscious attitude. This is why psychological insight is so valuable, and it is the reason I want to share a quote from M. Scott Peck, where he explains the hidden causes of self-destructive behavior in his patients.
He writes about a young man with brilliant potential for a career who, just before reaching a top management position, always makes an unusual blunder and fails. He also describes a beautiful young woman attracted to unsuitable partners; despite clear signs of impending failure, she repeatedly enters into relationships with them.
“Many people who come into therapy are suffering from masochism. By masochism I don’t mean that they derive sexual pleasure from physical pain, but simply that in some strange way they are chronically self-destructive…
People who follow such chronic self-destructive patterns are often victims of cheap forgiveness. They often say: ‘Oh, my childhood wasn’t perfect, but my parents did the best they could.’ … (But) on some subconscious level they are saying: ‘See how my parents messed me up!’ (because it’s usually the parents). If that is the bone they are gnawing on, their strongest motive is to show the world how those scoundrels ruined them… And the only way to change that is to forgive, to truly forgive their parents, which is hard, very hard work.” — M. Scott Peck, Further Along the Road Less Traveled
The Shadow and Forgiveness
The repetition of mistakes, despite our conscious intentions, is always a sign that a subconscious attitude exists which is opposite in direction and stronger in motivation. The inability to forgive one’s parents resides there as well — in the subconscious. Also found there is the realization that we ourselves manifest the very quality for which we cannot forgive our parents.
Therefore, being able to see this means a great deal. It gives us the chance to understand “from the inside” the experience of that which we condemn, as well as the opportunity to release our claims to moral superiority.
It is understandable why forgiveness is so difficult — the path toward it passes through the realization of the Shadow. In this sense, self-destructive impulses are, at their core, a means of clearing the ground for the highest form of love and connection — both with others and with ourselves.
