“Many people suffer from the problem I call ‘cheap forgiveness.’ Upon their first visit to a therapist, they declare: ‘I know my childhood wasn’t ideal, but my parents did the best they could, and I forgive them.’ But as the therapist gets to know them, they discover that they haven’t forgiven their parents at all. They have simply convinced themselves that they have.
For these people, the first part of therapy consists of bringing their parents to trial. This requires a great deal of work. It involves preparing the prosecution, preparing the defense, then appeals and counter-appeals, until finally, a verdict is reached. Because this process is so laborious, most people choose the ‘cheap forgiveness’ option.
But the work of true forgiveness can only begin after the verdict of ‘guilty’ has been delivered: ‘No, my parents did not do the best they could. They could have done better. They committed a crime against me.’ You cannot forgive someone for a crime they did not commit. Only after they have been found guilty can there be an act of mercy.”
— M. Scott Peck, Further Along the Road Less Traveled
I love “useful distinctions.” They help immensely in situations where I feel confused. Such is the case with cheap forgiveness. It is a classic example of ambiguity—you have forgiven, yet you haven’t. To avoid this confusion, it is best to separate the two stages in time. As M. Scott Peck writes, this separation occurs by first performing the actual act of indictment, and only then allowing for mercy and forgiveness. Trying to do both simultaneously leads to half-measures.
The difficulty with the act of indictment is that many people do not know exactly how to go about it. They say: “Well, okay—I blame my father for behaving this way toward me, but so what? It doesn’t change anything.” What they don’t realize is that the act of indictment lies in allowing the deep feelings associated with it to be experienced fully. These are feelings of anger, hatred, bitterness, sadness, rejection, pain, and powerlessness. Because these emotions are not only painful but also challenge our positive self-image, we often do not allow ourselves to feel them to the end.
Without these feelings, however, we cannot achieve separation from our parents. It is through them that we “cut the umbilical cord” and stand on our own two feet. Only then can we reach true forgiveness. When you are truly separate, you no longer need to blame. You are the master of your own life. You discover that within yourself lie the very same traits for which you judged your parents. You try to free yourself from them and realize just how difficult that is.
True forgiveness is a profound undertaking. This is why most choose the “cheap” version. But, as the saying goes, the cheap ends up being more expensive. Cheap forgiveness not only prevents us from fully healing our childhood traumas but also hinders the development of the humility and unconditional love that can only bloom in the soil of sincere self-knowledge. And this is the ultimate distinction: while cheap forgiveness keeps us stuck in a loop of denial, true forgiveness finally grants us the grace to forgive ourselves.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
