The way to deal with our primal fight-or-flight reactions (which lead to the two killers of dialogue – silence or aggression) is by working on the mindset we bring into a conversation. These attitudes are present from the very moment we encounter the other person and continue throughout the entire interaction. Typically, we are not sufficiently aware of them, and only when communication breaks down do we realize they exist.
The authors of “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” call this principle of communication “Start with Heart” and present two distinct challenges to it. The first is to define our true motives before the conversation even begins. The second is to stay focused on them during the conversation no matter what – especially if things turn rough, emotions escalate, and rational discourse is lost.
We deal with the first challenge privately, clarifying what we truly want for ourselves, for the other person, and for the relationship. The second challenge requires constant awareness – to keep a vigilant eye on ourselves and steer back in the right direction whenever we drift from our motives and give in to provocations or to the primal urge to attack or withdraw.
There is something else, too – becoming aware of our competing desires. Even if we have clarified what we want at the outset, when the tone becomes harsh and adrenaline-fuelled emotions begin to shape our thinking, other desires may take over: the need to win, the need for revenge, or the need for safety. The battleground where these desires clash is the “heart.” This is why starting with heart means recognizing that such an inner battle is taking place.
“Starting with heart” is the firm resolve not to give in to the temptation to deviate from our purpose – namely, to conduct dialogue with respect for the other person, even when it seems, at first glance, that this is the last thing they deserve. When this attitude is firmly established in the heart, even strong emotions do not threaten the dialogue.
As usual, mastery is easier said than done. Not only because we must work against deeply ingrained reactions that push us into offensive or defensive positions. Not only because it requires constant vigilance to notice these reactions before the conversation becomes crucial and emotions escalate. But also because every clash of opinions activates the ego.
How to “Start with Heart”
Here are the steps the authors propose for how to “start with heart”:
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Remind yourself that the only person you can control is yourself.
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Focus on what you truly want. If you notice yourself sliding into attack or silence mode, ask: “What motives does my behaviour reveal? What are my real desires – for myself, for the other person, and for our relationship? How would I behave if these were truly my desires?”
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Clarify what you do not want and add it to what you do want. This gives the mind a creative task: to search for common ground, even when it insists there is no way to be both honest and respectful.
This either/or dilemma the authors call “the Fool’s Choice.” To avoid getting trapped in it, they invite us to think in another dimension – to seek the elusive “and.”
Engaging the mind when emotions run hot is a sign of emotional intelligence. Cooling down and returning to dialogue begins with asking the right questions. And if this still feels too technical, there is a simpler practice: ego diminishment.
For me, this is the most direct way to start with heart. When we remain devoted to this practice long enough, we discover that together with the large, pretentious, survival-driven ego, the need for constant self-questioning also dissolves. Then meeting the other becomes simple and unforced. And in the heart, only one desire remains: to meet the other on the ground of love.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
