I continue the theme of meta-communication as the only means of breaking out of the vicious circle of “games without end,” as systemic psychotherapy refers to the series of repetitive conflict interactions that never lead to resolution.
One way to step out of this vicious circle and to look from a higher (meta-) level is to introduce new rules of communication. Systemic psychotherapists call them meta-rules, because they are rules for changing the existing rules.
For example, in the past an agreement may have been established between partners regarding the distribution of household responsibilities, but over time circumstances change. One of the partners takes on a job that requires longer working hours and is no longer able to fulfill their share of the responsibilities. As a result, conflicts arise over the fact that the agreement is not being honored; yet instead of revisiting the agreement itself, the mutual accusations continue.
This is an example of relationships within a family system with low levels of psychological health—a system that has few rules and rules that do not change over time.
In contrast, a system with high levels of psychological health possesses a much greater degree of flexibility, due to having a larger number of rules that can be adapted to different situations.
When a system with low levels of psychological health cannot cope with its problems on its own, the systemic psychotherapist intervenes. From the outside, they can propose such a meta-rule, which family members can apply whenever the familiar conflict from the past arises once again. What is most important about such a meta-rule is that it offers an alternative way of responding for the parties involved in the conflict.
Seeing a systemic psychotherapist is an excellent way to gain a new perspective and resources for breaking out of the vicious circle of repetitive interactions. However, there are other ways as well—for example, reading books. If the ideas are properly understood and then applied in life, they too can dramatically change the lives of people who are ready for such change.
Every book in the field of psychology and human relationships contains such a possibility; some do so more directly than others. For instance, the book If Life Is a Game, These Are the Rules by Cherie Carter-Scott, which became a favorite of mine some time ago. It offers ten “lessons” on how to be spiritual beings in human bodies—lessons that are, in essence, meta-rules we can apply in situations of conflict and crisis. Another book that is a classic example of formulating meta-rules to guide us in difficult situations is Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements. As its title suggests, these rules are referred to there as “agreements.”
To change our lives for the better, it is not enough to become acquainted with new perspectives on our old problems. What is required is devoted, daily effort to refrain from reacting when the old problem arises, and then to apply the new knowledge. It is said that precisely this long process of awareness and self-creation is the reason we are born on Earth.
Kameliya
