How would you react if someone told you that you have the right to say what you think? Or to be treated with respect? Or that you have the right to be happy? When I first encountered the rights of the assertive person, I thought: “Well, of course we have these rights; there’s no need to tell me.” Only later did I realize why participants in assertiveness training are introduced to these rights. These rights are so-called “meta-rules“—if there is a crisis in a relationship, they tell us how to solve it.
The definition of assertiveness is “the skill of standing up for our rights without violating the rights of others.” It is the skill that helps us fight for what is important to us without doing so at the expense of others. In this sense, it is an alternative to aggressive, passive, and manipulative behavior. When we are passive and withdraw, it makes us feel weak and helpless. Conversely, a victory achieved through aggression is a Pyrrhic victory. Even if we eventually achieve our goals, we will have lost the trust of the other person. The same applies to achieving goals through manipulation.
Assertiveness does not guarantee that we will get what we want, but in a conflict of interests, it gives us the means to preserve our own dignity and the dignity of the other. Thus, even if we do not always get what we want, we will always be able to communicate with others in a way that feels in harmony with ourselves, not allowing others to abuse us.
The apparent “banality” of assertive rights is only further proof that they encompass truths of a higher, i.e., meta-order. For example, a loved one might accuse us of not having the right to change our mind, and if we have changed our perspective in the meantime, we begin to feel guilty. But unless it is an unprincipled “turning of the sails” according to which way the wind blows, we actually have the right to change our mind.
The Bill of Rights for the Assertive Person
I have the right:
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To be treated with respect;
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To express my feelings and opinions;
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To demand an answer;
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To be heard and to disagree;
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To have different needs and requirements from those of other people;
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To say “NO”;
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To be critical of others in a constructive way;
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To know when I am being criticized and to have the opportunity to respond to that criticism;
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To have time to think when making decisions;
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To say what I want;
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To say when I do not understand and to ask for more information;
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To be responsible for my own actions;
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To not depend on the approval of others;
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To have my own personal spheres, independent of the roles in which others see me (e.g., mother, daughter, father, student, etc.);
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To resist attitudes and behaviors that discriminate against people;
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To rejoice.
Assertive rights are a kind of ethical code that helps us restore a healthy connection with ourselves and our dignity, so that we do not fall victim to the pressure and manipulations of the surrounding world. To understand their significance, we must be wakeful observers of our own lives. For example, if we make a mistake, we might be accused of it. And if no one accuses us, we might do it to ourselves and feel guilty. But we have the right to make mistakes, don’t we? And if they happen, we also have the obligation to take responsibility for them. Rights always go hand in hand with responsibilities.
There is something else important regarding assertiveness—other people also have their rights. This means they have the right to say “no” and refuse us, they have the right to express their opinion even if it does not coincide with ours, they have the right to their mistakes, and they have the right to make choices that differ from our expectations of them.
In essence, assertiveness is the means to affirm human dignity by treating others and ourselves with respect and recognition of our fundamental human rights.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
