According to Bert Hellinger, the creator of Family Constellations, jealousy is a feeling whose roots may lie deep within family history, often having nothing to do with the personality of the one experiencing it. If there is a connection, it is simply that this individual was born into a specific family system and has inherited a particular set of family traumas. From a systemic point of view, the causes of jealousy lie in a partner’s unconscious desire to be abandoned by their beloved—a truly unexpected shift in perspective! This is often due to factors of a trans-individual order, such as:
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Loyalty to the family system: (For example, if the parents did not love each other enough; if they separated; or if one of them died young).
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Unconscious identification: Fulfilling an identification with another person to whom the system owes something—the so-called “blind love” for an ancestor who suffered.
According to Bert Hellinger, when one partner is jealous, the relationship has already ended, but the participants have not yet admitted it to themselves. In such cases, the appropriate thing for the jealous partner to say/do is to tell the other: “Sooner or later, I will lose you.”
My colleagues who practice cognitive psychotherapy will recognize the value of this message because it is grounded in reality. It reflects the truth that sooner or later—regardless of whether our partner is faithful or not, and even if no third party takes their love away—death eventually will. And then, we will inevitably experience their loss.
Although the spiritual perspective on human relationships is the one closer to my heart, I take great pleasure in sharing the systemic viewpoint of the Family Constellations tradition. It offers another way to expand the context in which we understand our problems and find the resources to solve them.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
