*”True love accepts and desires the other exactly as they are. This touches something very deep and allows love to flourish. When a woman treats her husband like a child, trying to change him or acting as if she knows what is best for him, he often takes a mistress. His mistress is his true partner. If he has a good relationship with his wife but still has a mistress, then the mistress likely represents his mother…
As a rule, a woman who is content to live in a triangular relationship is a ‘daddy’s girl.’ If she seeks a solution, she must leave her father’s sphere of influence and return to her mother.”*
— Bert Hellinger, “Love’s Hidden Symmetry”
The theory of Family Constellations and its creator, Bert Hellinger, offer a valuable perspective on a phenomenon we often see around us—living in love triangles. While it does not cover this topic in its full depth and complexity, it reveals a vital systemic fact about these relationships: infidelity is often linked to unresolved issues in our connection with our own parents.
*”As a rule, a marriage does not end because one partner is wrong and the other is blameless, but because one or the other is entangled in unresolved matters from his or her family of origin, or because they are being led in different directions…
Partners often act as if their involvement in the relationship is like membership in a club—freely chosen and easily terminated. But the infinite consciousness that guards love teaches us otherwise. If we were truly free to break our relationship, separation would not be so agonizing.”* — Bert Hellinger
My observations of love triangles and infidelity lead me to believe that while infidelity is not a solution, it is often part of the process of reaching a decision. The reason for this is stated by Hellinger—the decision to separate can be so agonizing that many couples are not ready to take it, even after realizing their partner is not the right one for them.
Furthermore, it provides time for an individual to explore their family legacy and relationships with their parents, to see if they can change something within themselves so that the relationship might still work. Therefore, although infidelity is not a resolution to the problems in a partnership, it holds a very specific and non-judgmental place for me: as part of the processes of maturation and the search for solutions.
This is because a fulfilling partnership is a complex thing. First, it is an expression of sincerity and openness—the exact opposite of the hiding and lying that accompany infidelity. Second, it is an expression of a conscious decision to commit to another person and, as Hellinger says, to “place limits on one’s freedom.” And above all, it is the result of a fulfilling partnership with oneself. When we become fulfilling partners to ourselves, our relationship either dissolves or enters a new stage of development.
This is the good news—regardless of whether you currently have a partner, whether you are in a love triangle or not, the only thing that truly matters is the intention for sincerity with oneself and uncompromising honesty—the fundamental prerequisites for deep inner work and growth.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
Note: The quotations are translated from Bulgarian and are not presented as verbatim citations.
