We communicate all the time. Just like we breathe. Even when we remain silent in the presence of others, we still communicate. Sometimes silence even speaks louder than words. We also communicate when we are alone – this time with ourselves, having endless inner dialogues, immersed in the whirlwind of thoughts.
We tend to think that communication is easy, while in fact it is quite the opposite. Communication is like breathing. We can breathe like yogis, achieving extraordinary endurance and vitality, or we can take shallow, unhealthy breaths when stress takes over. Just because we are constantly breathing (and communicating) doesn’t mean we are doing either one fully.
The difference between proper and incomplete communication (and breathing) is profound – like the difference between health and illness, strength and weakness, success and failure. Communication, like air, is so fundamental to our existence that without it we could not fully affirm who we are.
At its core, communication is relational – and as we know from perceptual psychology, only relations can be perceived. If a tone remains constant and unchanging, it ceases to be heard; if the background and object are identical, we cannot distinguish between them; we can only tell whether a surface is smooth or rough by moving our hand across it; if we prevent the pupils from moving, visual perception becomes difficult or even impossible.
“We perceive the world primarily through differences; only secondarily do we reify these differences into supposedly unchanging properties of the objects perceived.”
— Paul Watzlawick, “Münchhausen’s Pigtail, or, Psychotherapy & ‘Reality’: Essays and Lectures”
We get to know ourselves through the differences between ourselves and others – only to later treat these differences as fixed, intrinsic qualities of them or of us. Yet what we perceive as a static property is, at its core, a social construct: the product of countless interactions and comparisons that lead us to conclude, “I am like this.”
This secondarily created reality (distinct from the world of material objects) holds validity only insofar as its “truth” is confirmed by the consensus of the majority. As I shared in a previous article, it is precisely the concept of “second-order reality” that has led systemic psychotherapists to a new understanding of mental illness and healing.
Through systemic psychotherapy, we have come to see just how profoundly important communication is: when it is dysfunctional, it can make us sick; when it is healthy, it can heal.
The book “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” (Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler) is not written by systemic psychotherapists, yet it presents the centrality of human communication in an equally compelling way. The authors define a “crucial conversation” as any conversation in which (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong.
“Actually, the effects of conversations gone bad can be both devastating and far reaching. Our research has shown that strong relationships, careers, organizations, and communities all draw from the same source of power – the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics…
So here’s the audacious claim. Master your crucial conversations and you’ll kick-start your career, strengthen your relationships, and improve your health. As you and others master high-stakes discussions, you’ll vitalize your organization and your community.”
— Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
This claim is grounded in more than twenty-five years of research on the relationship between success and crucial conversations:
“Twenty-five years of research with twenty thousand people and hundreds of organizations has taught us that individuals who are the most influential – who can get things done and, at the same time, build strong relationships – are those who master their crucial conversations… [They] are able to express controversial and even risky opinions in a way that gets heard. Their bosses, peers, and direct reports listen without becoming defensive or angry.”
— Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
Everything depends on our ability to communicate about difficult and sensitive issues – our health, our professional success, the happiness of our relationships, and the harmony of our communities.
Here is another striking example:
“When Clifford Notarius and Howard Markman examined couples in the throes of heated discussions, they learned that people fall into three categories – those who digress into threats and name-calling, those who revert to silent fuming, and those who speak openly, honestly, and effectively.
After watching dozens of couples, the two scholars predicted relationship outcomes and tracked their research subjects for the next ten years. They had predicted nearly 90 percent of the divorces that occurred. Couples who spoke openly and respectfully about high-stakes, emotional issues stayed together. Those who didn’t, split up.”
— Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
The research linking communication and crime is equally striking. The same holds true for physical health. Studies unequivocally confirm a direct link between authentic communication – the capacity to express ourselves even in the most sensitive matters – and immune system strength. Effective, open communication significantly boosts immunity and improves recovery outcomes. One study found that training in communication skills reduced mortality in the experimental group by as much as two-thirds.
“We could go on for pages about how the ability to hold crucial conversations has an impact on your personal health… ‘You’re saying that the way you talk or don’t talk affects your body? It could kill you?’
The short answer is yes. The longer answer suggests that the negative feelings we hold in, the emotional pain we suffer, and the constant battering we endure through unhealthy conversations slowly eat away at our health.”
— Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
That is it. Communication is critically important. How we communicate shapes how we feel in every sphere of our lives. That is why finding ways to express difficult feelings in difficult situations is essential.
The bold theory of the authors of Crucial Conversations is not bold enough. Communication is everywhere. It is our relationship with otherness – and from the quality of this relationship depends whether we will birth love on Earth.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
