“…premature reconciliation and forgiveness hinder constructive dialogue when they cover up or postpone conflict and leave its consequences to the other family members.
This is particularly destructive when the one who was wronged attempts to release the offender from his or her guilt, as if victims had such power. When reconciliation is necessary, the person who was wronged not only has the right to demand atonement but also the obligation to demand it. Conversely, the person who has done wrong not only has the obligation to bear the consequences of their actions but also the right to do so.”
— Bert Hellinger
This is another quote from Bert Hellinger’s book, “Love’s Hidden Symmetry,” in which he shares his experience regarding the things that help family systems and human relationships flourish. As is typical for this phenomenological method, which is based primarily on his observations of life, it is supported by an example.
The example in this case involves a man and a woman who fall in love, but since they are already married, they must first divorce their previous partners. The woman has no child from her first marriage, but the man does. After he leaves his wife and child to marry his second wife, his first wife and child begin to treat him with great anger and resentment. He and his second wife dream of reconciliation and wish for the relationships between him, his first wife, and his child to be repaired, but this does not happen.
When they share this with a friend, he simply asks them to imagine if their wish were fulfilled and his first wife forgave him. At that moment, they realize that what they are asking of her is too much—it robs her of her dignity and ignores her needs.
As Hellinger writes, following this insight, they decided “to acknowledge to his first wife and child that they had demanded too great a sacrifice for their own happiness, and therefore they would meet all the demands of the two injured parties. Then they were able to stand more calmly behind their decision.” He then adds:
“We serve love well when the victim’s demands for compensation are appropriate.”
The subject of forgiveness is one of the most difficult themes in our lives—perhaps the most difficult—which is why I believe that what Bert Hellinger shares can prove useful. Much like his idea on how to restore the balance between giving and taking, it is somewhat different from what we are usually accustomed to thinking in this regard, and as such, it offers a new perspective and a solution.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
Note: The quotations are translated from Bulgarian and are not presented as verbatim citations.
