“It is much better to express our feelings than to suppress them. Anger is often the result of a series of unexpressed feelings that build up within us and finally explode. In a holy relationship, we believe part of our responsibility is to constantly express our honest feelings and to support our partner in doing the same. Then the communication is so intense that the chances of anger building up in either of us decrease.
But until then, we must understand which things are real. When anger arises, it must be accepted. If we think our partner will not love us if we get angry, we cease being honest and the relationship is surely doomed…
Anger is a painful topic for spiritual seekers. Many cannot fathom Jesus’ anger at the money changers in the temple. If Jesus was so pure, they ask, how could he get angry? But no Jew or Italian would have a problem with that scene. Removing the ego is not removing the character…
By the way, just because someone doesn’t express their anger doesn’t mean they don’t feel it… The unhealthiest thing you can do with your anger is to deny that you have it…
There is a way to share our anger with people without expressing it as an attack. Instead of saying, for example: ‘You made me feel this way,’ say: ‘I feel this way. I am not saying you made me feel this way or that you are to blame. I am sharing it only as part of my healing, to release this feeling and overcome it.’ In this way, you take responsibility for your feelings, and what was a dispute—or even avoided as unpleasant—can become an important part of the healing power of relationships.”
— Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
If this is the answer that the “lessons of love” have brought you now—express your feelings, even if they carry the explosive energy of anger. I have seen so many cases of relationship difficulties stemming from suppressed and unexpressed feelings that I share this quote with true pleasure to remind you that when we love ourselves, we openly express our needs, even if it sometimes takes the form of anger.
The barriers we build against the expression of anger are varied. As clear from the quote above, one of them is common among spiritually oriented people who believe that a spiritual person does not get angry. Another barrier is the fear of hurting the people we love. In this case, practicing Marshall Rosenberg’s model of Nonviolent Communication will work perfectly. The problem with anger is not its existence, but rather the way we choose to express it.
Ultimately, by owning our shadow and our fire, we transform conflict into a bridge, allowing a deeper intimacy to radiate through our honesty.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
