“You have to finish things — that’s how you learn. You learn by finishing things.”
— Neil Gaiman
Below is the introduction I wrote for the Bulgarian translation of Branded by the Spirit by Al Collie. I came across this book during a period of active and in-depth research into the phenomenology of awakened kundalini energy. It was circulating freely online and drew my attention precisely because it did not offer easy, comforting, or superficial explanations.
The text is complex and multifaceted and, most importantly, grounded entirely in the author’s personal experience. In it, she describes how the spontaneous awakening of this transpersonal energy unfolds in the human body and how it manifests at the level of the different chakras. The book does not seek to idealize the process, nor to fit it into pre-established spiritual models, but remains faithful to what was directly lived and experienced.
After initiating a Bulgarian translation of the book through the voluntary efforts of readers of my website, I was confronted with a fact that fundamentally altered my relationship to the entire project: the author did not complete her book, as she later took her own life.
This circumstance placed me in a serious inner conflict. A concern arose as to whether, by presenting this text, I might be misleading readers or contributing to an uncritical reception of an experience that can be profoundly destabilizing. For this reason, I read the book with exceptional care and responsibility, line by line, in order to understand what had led to her death and where the warning was to be found.
The introduction below is my response to this question and the resolution of my inner conflict.
To read the full story, please refer to the article in Bulgarian. And here is the link to read her book Branded by the Spirit .
Preface to the Bulgarian Reader
(to El Collie’s book, Branded by the Spirit)
I came across Al Collie’s book by chance, at a time when I was intensely searching for information about the symptoms of awakened kundalini. The reason was that, as a psychotherapist, I had repeatedly encountered unusual bodily symptoms in my clients—symptoms that conventional medicine was unable to diagnose and therefore unable to treat adequately. I had already written my article “Panic Attacks from a Spiritual Perspective,” in which I shared my reasons for believing that what was often being described under this psychiatric diagnosis might in fact be an initial process of spiritual awakening, since the symptoms of panic disorder coincided with those of the spontaneous awakening of the spiritual energy in the human body known as kundalini.
Despite this, I continued to have questions. I had witnessed many cases of successful resolution of panic attacks, yet several of my clients continued to suffer from unusual bodily distress. The fact that fear had disappeared was clearly not relevant to the activated spiritual energy in their bodies. I saw this most distinctly through the experience of one of my female clients, who was undergoing a very active process of inner transformation and had experienced a partial awakening of this energy up to the level of the fourth chakra. From direct personal experience, she knew not only what the ecstasy of awakened spiritual–sexual energy in the body was like, but also what it meant to pass through the agony of its purifying fire.
The experiences that tormented her were not only psychological in nature, but also purely physical. Possessing a highly critical mind and fully aware of the dangers of drifting into spiritual extremism—where one rejects medicine entirely in the belief that energetic healing alone is sufficient—she never tired of seeking medical examinations for each new bodily symptom. The tests, however, revealed nothing; and when they did reveal something, the treatment proved entirely ineffective, as in the case of the itching around her eyes.
The most recent case she told me about concerned a visit to an ear specialist because of a distressing ringing in her ears. This time, the doctor told her that it was indeed visible that the eardrum in her right ear was pulled inward, but that there were no indications as to what might be causing it, and therefore referred her to an allergist. Exhausted by the endless series of fruitless medical visits she had undergone before, and trusting her previous experience, she decided to postpone this appointment for as long as she still had the strength to endure. She was not surprised, however, when the ringing in her ears disappeared as suddenly as it had appeared—once again leaving evidence that there was “something” inside her body that moved, vibrated, and had a will of its own, beyond her personal control.
Among the many bodily complaints and symptoms that I know from my clients to appear and disappear abruptly, while medicine remains powerless to identify a somatic cause, the most common are: itching, burning, and tingling sensations in various parts of the body; cold or hot waves without any apparent reason; skin rashes; muscle spasms and unexplained tremors in the limbs; ringing in the ears and distortions of visual perception; intense heaviness in the chest area (as if an elephant were sitting on you); breathing difficulties; nausea and a sense of unreality; cardiac complaints and arrhythmias; difficulties with concentration and memory problems. There are also states for which the most fitting description is metaphorical—for example, “everything in your brain turns into soup.”
At times, the intensity of the suffering truly reaches extreme limits—as in the case of a woman who had managed to overcome her panic attacks on her own before meeting me. She described how, over the course of a single day, the heaviness and suffering in her body became unbearable; her entire body was covered in red blotches, and her urine was almost boiling hot. Despite her long prior experience in coping with similar states, she began to think that this time she would not be able to endure the energy that was exploding inside her body. Yet everything vanished just as abruptly, as if someone had switched off the power, and all this agony was followed by a state of ecstasy and vivid visions.
It became clear to me that if you are in the role of a professional helper and are in contact with people who have such experiences, you will inevitably need to read extensively in order to gain at least some understanding of the mystery that unfolds when the deeper layers of the human psyche are activated. It was precisely at this initial stage of my acquaintance with the phenomenology of awakened kundalini energy that I came across the book by Al Collie.
I was genuinely delighted by it, because it contained everything I needed—gathered in one place. In what she had written, I encountered an erudite, critically thinking, and deeply heartfelt woman who, alongside sharing her personal experience, cited a vast number of authors and books. I knew that such first-hand knowledge would bring comfort to many other people whom I did not know personally, but who were also feeling their way in the dark—confused and frightened by what was happening to them. To my great regret, this body of knowledge had not yet been translated into Bulgarian, and the same was true of the many other books on awakened kundalini that I later discovered.
At that point, I decided to take the risk and initiate a translation of this book through my website. I did not know what would come of it; this was an entirely new undertaking for me. But the awareness that such an effort might bring comfort to many people gave me the courage to ask. To my great joy, a sufficient number of volunteers responded immediately, generously offering their time, effort, and knowledge to translate a text that turned out to be difficult to translate. I remain deeply grateful to them for what they did and sincerely moved by these expressions of human generosity.
The translation of this book, however, did not come easily. Coordinating the many small elements involved, along with the cumbersome efforts to clarify terminology and to read and review the translations, required far more time and effort than I had anticipated. This, however, proved to be the lesser surprise of what lay ahead. Things became truly complicated for me when one of the translators wrote to inform me that she had come across the blog of Al Collie’s daughter, where she had read that her mother had taken her own life. For me, as a psychotherapist, this was a shock.
I was seized by anxiety that I had initiated the translation of a book written by someone who had ended her own life. Something had to be done—and that something was to reread every translation very carefully, searching the text for signs that might be cause for concern. And then to write articles and issue warnings. I had already committed myself, and it was no longer possible to abandon the effort halfway through. I had already involved people in the translation; I had witnessed the reactions of readers after the first translated chapters were published on my site—people who felt inspired and comforted by recognizing themselves in what was written there. I simply had to be extremely careful if I was to succeed in turning lemons into lemonade, so that the benefit of reading her book would be twofold: alongside her text, I needed to be prepared, when necessary, to add my own commentary.
This is how a series of articles came into being—texts intended to supplement or comment on what Al Collie had written. Articles such as “When Gods Become Illnesses,” “Bonnie Greenwell on the Seven Categories of Phenomena Experienced During Kundalini Awakening,” and “The Multidimensional Human Being.” Almost until the very end of the translation, however, I did not find a sufficiently clear explanation for the reasons behind her suicide. At times, I was irritated by her sense of specialness related to having such experiences, yet her writing continued to captivate me with its sincerity, wit, and rebellious critical spirit. I found the key only in the final translated chapter—the eleventh.
By a strange irony, its title is “Help or Charlatanism.” It required changing the translator and was published more than a year later than the other chapters. What I discovered there became the impetus for writing the last article in the series through which I was trying to turn lemons into lemonade. Its title is “Ego Inflation”—the term used in Jungian analysis to describe the danger inherent in an encounter with the forces of the unconscious, indications of which were also present in the text of this chapter. Because of its special connection to this book, and because of its importance for the spiritually seeking individual and the dangers that lie along the path, this article is placed at the end, in the chapter “Instead of an Afterword.”
After writing this article, I felt a sense of relief. The translation of this book had turned into a kind of dialogue between the experiences of a person who was personally undergoing the process of awakened kundalini, but was not a psychotherapist, and the perspective of psychotherapy—more specifically, Jungian analytical psychology. It was a relief for me to discover that something similar had already taken place in another book on awakened kundalini: Kundalini: The Evolutionary Energy in Man by Gopi Krishna, with psychological commentaries by James Hillman. This book, which became available in Bulgarian thanks to the translation by Petya Stoyanova, was the other kundalini-related work whose translation aimed to disseminate knowledge beneficial to individuals undergoing spiritual or psychological crises.
For me, as a psychotherapist whose academic training did not include information about the spiritual dimensions of psychological suffering, it was reassuring to see that my interest in kundalini energy—although new to me—was not new in the West, where there exists a relatively developed support network for such situations (referred to as spiritual emergency). Owing primarily to James Hillman’s commentaries, it became even clearer to me than before that awakened kundalini energy is, in essence, nothing other than an awakened individuation impulse. In short, it is an awakening to the deeper layers of the human psyche (also referred to as the collective unconscious, or the transpersonal psyche), which has the potential to become a spiritual initiation and the beginning of profound inner transformation—but only if one is willing to pay the heavy price of such an “adventure.”
What mattered most to me, however, was that my professional conscience found peace. I realized that this book contains nothing dangerous that could mislead the reader. Once again, I was able to see what I had seen at the very beginning: Al Collie’s sincere desire to share her experience with others like herself, so that they might receive knowledge she herself had desperately needed when all of this first began happening to her. I once again saw the book as the honest account of a human being attempting to survive an encounter with transpersonal forces immeasurably greater than her own. I also see what I would call the “typical mistake” of the spiritual seeker: seeking, within transpersonal experiences, an escape from the burdens and limitations of life in a material body. I know how heavy “life in matter” can feel for people with heightened sensitivity and a natural inclination toward the spiritual.
Only someone who has never personally encountered the intensity of meeting dark transpersonal forces cannot understand how thin the line is between life and death, between normality and madness. Nor can they understand how powerful the temptation may be to leave the body for those who, since birth, have felt more connected to the invisible world than to the Earth. I feel genuine understanding and compassion for Al, the “one marked by the Spirit.” I know that integrity—that is, the ability to live what one proclaims—is the most difficult part of the equation. There is also the complicating factor that we are still at the beginning of an increasingly widespread process of spiritual awakening, and pioneers often pay for this with their lives. For this reason, it is important for the spiritually tempted seeker to know that mature forms of spirituality are not about escaping matter or enlightenment as such. That is the old paradigm of the East. True spirituality is the embodiment of spiritual values in real life.
In short, after writing “Ego Inflation,” I was freed from the fear that Al Collie’s book might be “dangerous” for the reader. I now see it as very useful, supportive, and comforting knowledge for those who have embarked on the path toward their deeper roots. The journey into depth is a journey into darkness, and therefore it carries dangers. But if a person is warned about them and knows what they look like, they will be able to cope.
Such was Al Collie’s intention when she began writing her book: to inform, to share, and to offer support. Such was also my intention when I initiated its translation and began writing articles on this topic—to support, through information and knowledge, those who recognize themselves in what is written. To tell them that they are not alone, and to offer ideas for understanding and for appropriate engagement with the bodily and psychological experiences that arise from the deeper levels of the transpersonal psyche.
Whether because of my profession or for other reasons, I increasingly perceive how remarkable the times are in which we live. The world is changing faster than ever before, and this applies even more strongly to events within us than to those outside us. Although there are now thousands of books devoted to spirituality, the irony is that most of them are written in the style of ego psychology. This means they offer advice such as “do this in order to achieve that,” which, when it comes to activating the deeper levels of our own psyche, is not only misguided but even harmful—because it misleads.
The transpersonal level of the human psyche, or what Jungian analysis calls the collective unconscious, is not something that can be subordinated to personal will. It is an immense transpersonal force with which, at best, we can interact wisely, and through which we can use the collapse of personal will to transform our ego-oriented desires. It is a priceless opportunity to discover purpose and meaning in life that exceed our small personal ambitions and ego-driven fears.
Al Collie’s book is valuable precisely because it does not present sugar-coated information in pursuit of commercial success. It is a book about the truth of the painful encounter with inner demons—and that truth is bitter. In this same final chapter, “Help or Charlatanism,” where I found examples of how the ego can be tempted to identify with the realm of the superhuman, I also discovered no less valuable observations and insights by Al regarding the culture of professional helping in our time. Like her, I believe that the mass awakening of spirituality is accompanied by a mass offering of various forms of help—self-help books, courses and seminars, individual energetic healing sessions—among which there is no small number of counterfeits, ranging from useless to overtly harmful.
Although I myself belong to one of the helping professions, I have repeatedly been—and continue to be—a witness to situations similar to those she describes, and for this reason I fully share her criticism of the widespread unprofessionalism and commercialism of this kind of help. It is striking to observe how the spiritually seeking person seems to lose their capacity for critical thinking altogether, and when confronted with a swami or a self-appointed guru, does not even consider questioning what they are told. It is accepted as “truth from above,” even though such “truth” can be examined through sound logic, common sense, and impartial observation of facts in lived reality.
I fully agree with Al Collie that it is absolutely necessary to “separate the wheat from the chaff,” to place increasing trust in one’s own discernment and inner resources rather than in dubious external authorities, to recognize that the path to God passes through Golgotha, and that any promise of quick and easy results is therefore highly suspect. Above all, in situations of crisis and confusion, we need enduring values as points of reference and support—love, responsibility, freedom, and wisdom.
At the end of the eleventh chapter, Al Collie writes: “The ‘treatments’ that helped me the most were love, patience, and faith.” This sounds very mature and wise, yet a person does not take their own life when they truly have love, patience, and faith. This is why the book is no longer “dangerous” to me: it does not say anything wrong. What is wrong is forgetting to live what one proclaims.
Integrity is the difficult part. It is the true challenge and the greatest value. It is something that no one from the outside can give us—not even the most enlightened spiritual teacher—because it is born of our own effort, commitment, and dedication. When we succeed in gathering our fragmented parts into a whole and begin to live in harmony with our own truth, we come to understand that this is precisely where the essence of our newly born inner strength and value resides.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
20 February 2016
