According to David Gordon, one of the three basic human fears is the fear of self-love. I had never considered that there could be such a fear. On the contrary, self-love is usually seen as something positive. What isn’t seen as good is being selfish. What we don’t often realize, however, is that one of the main obstacles to self-love is precisely the fear of being selfish. The line between the two can feel incredibly thin, like walking on ice that might crack at any moment, plunging us into the cold waters of selfishness.
So, how do we navigate this confusion? How do we express self-love without fearing we’re being selfish? David Gordon’s answer is this: check whether what you perceive as selfishness – or what others accuse you of as being selfish – isn’t actually a vital form of self-love that you need to express but have forbidden yourself. Often, the very act we label as “selfish” is in fact the healthy assertion of boundaries, needs, or desires – an expression of care for oneself that we’ve long suppressed out of fear or guilt.
Although I’ve long explored the topic of self-love, what I read in Gordon’s book revealed yet another pitfall on the path to it. It is the influence of the so-called “collective conscious” – a concept in Jungian analysis that refers to the dominant beliefs and moral norms of a society at a given stage of its development.
More clearly than ever before, I’ve come to realize just how profoundly we fail to recognize that what we often perceive as selfishness is, in fact, the very form of self-love we most need. We don’t see it because we’re conditioned by beliefs that are as omnipresent – and as unnoticed – as the air we breathe. We don’t even realize the air is polluted; we only feel that something isn’t right. And all of this arises from the deep-rooted prohibition against selfishness.
“At the forefront of the collective beliefs that harden our hearts against our own suffering stands the principle that caring for others is noble, while tending to our own pain is the height of selfishness, therefore, morally wrong. From society’s point of view, we are expected to prioritize the needs of others and serve the “greater good.” In such a context, challenging the rules of public morality becomes more than an act of defiance – it becomes an act that demands extraordinary courage. The Journey thrusts us headlong into what, at first, appears to be the most earth-shattering ethical dilemma we’ve ever faced: Can I risk hurting those closest to me by choosing myself? Overcoming the fear of doing so – of appearing selfish – is one of the deepest and most difficult trials of the inner path.”
David Gordon, “Mindful Dreaming“*
The strength to stand up to a force as powerful as collective social norms comes from one place: the willingness to follow the call of the soul, our inner truth. More than 2,000 years ago, the Son of God was crucified for doing just that. He defied the dominant values of his time, and he paid the ultimate price. Today, the consequences of challenging the status quo may be far less severe, but the inner experience can feel just as intense. The sense of being torn apart by opposing desires, of being inwardly crucified, is no less real.
“For I have come to turn “ ‘a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law – a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.” Matthew 10:35
In the same spirit, the Buddha advised his disciple Arjuna to enter a battle where he might have to fight against his own family and friends. This teaching reminds us that there is a higher morality – one that honors inner truth over external expectations. Knowing that such a higher law exists gives us the strength to withstand the pressure from those closest to us and walk the path of a life that is more authentic to our inner self.
“While we love and respect our parents, the Church, and the culture in which we were raised, the views they impose on selfishness and compassion are often one-sided, biased, and deeply obstructive to our ability to love ourselves and live a truly fulfilling life. The old metaphor of taking up the sword against those closest to us is, in essence, a call to free ourselves from attachment to such collective prejudices and inherited values…
Unless we arm ourselves with a compassionate and caring attitude toward ourselves, we are in danger of becoming drained and embittered individuals, unable to fully support the people we love because we have failed to meet our own needs or heal our own soul wounds.”
David Gordon, “Mindful Dreaming”*
If you feel sad, unhappy, or notice that your life energy is low, ask yourself whether you’re suppressing important parts of yourself out of fear of being selfish. Explore whether those very parts might be what you need in order to feel more alive and real. Then, take care of yourself – not out of obligation, but because you love yourself.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
* All quotes marked with an asterisk* are direct translations from Bulgarian
