Being able to openly express our emotions, and especially the most difficult ones, is crucial for our mental and physical health. Painful emotions do not disappear if they are suppressed or denied. Instead, they become unconscious, sinking into our bodies where they manifest in the form of physical symptoms or illness. Our relationships suffer as well. A lack of sincerity hurts our self-respect and undermines trust in the relationship.
This model consists of four elements: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. (1) Observations refer to facts from the outside world that make us feel a certain way. (2) Feelings are the emotions that arise as a result of these external events. (3) Needs refer to the internal reason for these emotions. (4) And a request is the formulation of a desire we direct toward the other to change something in their behavior.
And since things are best understood through an example, here is one from my practice. I am giving a lecture, but a person in the audience interrupts me several times. I begin to feel irritation rising within me, gradually growing into anger. The reason is that this interrupts my flow of thought and I cannot finish what I am trying to say; also, the things he is asking about are included in the lecture, and if he were a little more patient, he would hear them shortly. I want to tell him to stop interrupting me, but in a way that is not rude and allows him to feel my respect for him.
The practical application of the model in this case is me saying to him:
“I feel irritation…”
When I describe my feelings, instead of labeling, blaming, or generalizing, the other person does not take a defensive stance, and the likelihood of them hearing me increases.
“…because since I started my lecture, you have interrupted me several times…”
When I describe facts, I am neutral and objective. It is harder to argue with facts, but most importantly, such feedback helps the other person understand exactly what in their behavior triggers my reaction.
“…and this prevents me from concentrating and finishing my thought…”
This is the true reason for my irritation. I have colleagues who feel less or even no irritation at all if they are interrupted, but I am not like that. Because I see the reason for my irritation as something inside myself, it is easy for me to take responsibility for how I feel. And when I take responsibility, it is easy for me not to blame.
“I am asking you not to interrupt me until I finish presenting the entire theory. After I finish, I will give the opportunity to ask questions, and if there is still something you haven’t understood or disagree with, then you can say it.”
A request is a manifestation of respect for the other person. When we feel respect, we want to respond with the same—respect. But the true essence of a request is the readiness to be refused. If we do not have this readiness, even if we make a request, it will not be felt as such, but as pressure. Most information exchange occurs through non-verbal communication channels—we react not to what we hear, but to what we feel is the truth.
I believe it is becoming clear what Rosenberg’s four-step model looks like. It is incredibly effective and can literally transform our lives and our relationships with others! The problem with its implementation comes not from the complexity of the steps, but from the discrepancy between what we say and the truth of our attitudes. Even when we do not use words of blame, the other person feels pressured if, inside ourselves, we feel like their victim. But if the cause of our emotions is within ourselves, in our desires, it will be easier to take responsibility for them. Then, even if they do not respond to our request, we will find another way to take care of ourselves.
Then accusations like “You don’t love me” become misplaced. We are aware that we would not feel hurt if we did not want the other to love us. And they are not obligated to love us. Of course, there is a place here for applying this model—to give them feedback on what in their behavior makes us feel unloved. But if they choose not to change, we also have a choice. We will find other ways to take care of ourselves, including by leaving the relationship with them.
Applying Rosenberg’s model does not guarantee that our requests will always be heard. However, it will always help us feel in harmony with ourselves. When we do not suppress our emotions, our self-respect grows. Even if the other person continues to behave in the same way, their behavior will have less power over us. Our sense of freedom and authenticity will grow, and then, whatever we say, no one will be hurt.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
