Years ago, a friend shared a problem in her relationship. At the time, I was reading a book on the topic, so I enthusiastically recommended it to her. But she looked at me condescendingly and said, “Oh, Kamy, your books aren’t helping me.” And yet, inside, I couldn’t help wondering, “Why do these books help me but not her?”
Time passed, and I understood. The books weren’t helping her because she was reading them only for information. Despite the knowledge she gained, she continued to think and act in the same old way. How, then, could what she read make any difference? For something to truly work, it has to be lived, not just understood. The shared experiences and insights of the authors could not help her resolve her relationship issues if there was a gap between what she read and how she actually lived.
That is the main thing I realized about people who complain that their lives aren’t changing: there is a disconnect between what they believe and how they live. And even when there is some change, it is half-hearted. It could hardly be otherwise, since the practice of what they know is also half-hearted.
Often, the problem with not making the change we seek is not that we don’t know what to do, but that we are not living what we already know. We begin to change when we become aware of the choices available to us and take responsibility for the choices we make. Even though this means doing things that are uncomfortable and seeing things about ourselves that are not pleasant, we stop going in circles. We reclaim the power to change our lives.
Here’s another example. Recently, a friend said to me, “Please tell me why this is happening to me.” I replied that I had no way of knowing why things were happening to her in this particular way, but that I could share my experience with karmic astrology, through which I had received many important insights in this regard. Her response was:
“Even if I find out the answer, it won’t change anything. I’ll keep wanting what I want.”
“Of course you will,” I told her. “The energy of our desires is what moves us forward to evolve. But since your current desire cannot be fulfilled in the usual ways, it may be pointing to something that needs to change within you. It is pushing you to look inside and discover what only you have the power to transform, so that external change can follow.”
She replied that she didn’t want it to be difficult – that some people seemed to have what she didn’t, without making any special effort. That was the moment I lost my patience. For a long time, I had answered her questions about how she could improve her life – but to what end? Instead of focusing on her own growth, she preferred to focus on others, asking why things seemed easier for them.
When I showed my irritation, she asked innocently, “But why are you mad at me?” I kept speaking, but with the sense that whatever I said would not reach her. I added that my irritation did not mean I was angry with her, since I was not taking her words personally – I simply dislike wasting my energy on empty talk. I’m not sure she understood me, because we had spoken shortly before about Don Miguel Ruiz’s book The Four Agreements, and she could not accept the second one – not taking things personally. The irony was that this was precisely part of the inner change she needed in order to transform her external relationship patterns.
Reading books is one thing. Understanding them is another. Living what you know is something else entirely.
And now I would add a fourth step: fully living what you believe – one hundred percent.
The key to this is a willingness to embrace difficulty.
To take responsibility for your choices and to pay the price that comes with them.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
