It is often said that crying helps us feel better. However, this does not apply to crying born of a secondary feeling—the so-called self-pity.
While the primary form of this emotion relates to a feeling of deep pain and grief caused by loss, its pseudo-version manifests differently. Instead of feeling the depth of the pain, we experience a resistance to the fact that we are hurting. This is how we fall into the trap of self-pity.
The irony is that while we find it extremely unpleasant when someone treats us with condescending pity, this is exactly how we treat ourselves when we indulge in self-pity. We dislike being told “poor him” or “poor her,” yet we tell ourselves “poor me” and can live for years in the fog of self-pity. If we understand the difference between these two ways of relating to our suffering, we can escape the trap of unconscious thoughts that fuel secondary grief. Then, even if we mourn our lot in life, it will not rob us of our inner strength; it will increase it. Our compassion for the millions of others who suffer from life’s injustices will also grow.
Psychotherapists encourage the expression of primary feelings but do not offer empathy for the experience of secondary feelings. They know that if a person is in a state of self-pity (having thoughts like “I don’t deserve this, it’s not fair…”), empathy cannot help. Only experiencing primary feelings can lead to a sense of relief and the freedom to change our lives.
David Gordon, a Jungian analyst and author of the book Mindful Dreaming, also writes about this distinction:
“People often tell me: ‘When I am sad and I cry, I feel as if I have returned home, to my true self.’ This is exactly the experience of having compassion for one’s own suffering.
The paradox of grief consists in the fact that when we allow ourselves to feel the sadness of loss without blaming ourselves, we begin to feel better, not worse. From my personal experience and the experience of friends and patients, I have concluded that the experience of crying in depression is truly agonizing, while crying in true sadness feels paradoxically ‘good’.”
— David Gordon
As is usually the case with self-knowledge, distinctions are vital. If we can differentiate between positive and negative forms of self-compassion, we will free ourselves from the debilitating thoughts of blame and self-blame. We will step out of the victim role and become the full masters of our lives.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
