“People ask, ‘Why can’t I find a deep, loving relationship?’ The question is understandable, because people are lonely… When we are alone, the ego makes it seem as though all pain would disappear if only we had a boyfriend or girlfriend. But if a relationship takes hold, it will bring as much of our existential pain to the surface as it can. That is part of its purpose.
It will require all our capacity for compassion, approval, release, forgiveness, and selflessness. When we are alone, we tend to forget the challenges of every relationship, but we remember them quite clearly when we are committed.
Relationships cannot remove pain. The only thing that ‘removes pain’ is healing its causes. It is not the absence of other people that causes pain in our lives, but what we do with them when they are there… And what we do is, when we fall in love, we see the other as perfect—as they truly are on a spiritual level. But suddenly, the perfection we glimpsed on a spiritual level is projected onto the physical level. Instead of realizing that spiritual perfection and physical, material imperfection exist simultaneously, we begin to seek material, physical perfection… And the other ceases to be a human being.
We idealize each other, and when someone does not match the ideal, we are disappointed. Rejecting the other just because they are human has become a collective neurosis. People ask, ‘When will my soulmate appear?’ But praying for the right person is useless if we are not ready to receive them. Our soulmates are human beings, just like us, and they are going through the natural process of growth… Love is all around us. The ego prevents us from realizing the presence of love. The idea that there exists a perfect person who has not yet appeared is the greatest barrier.”
— Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love
If this thought comes to you now, it is to remind you that the key to happiness is within you. If you are in a relationship, this mindset reminds you to love your partner as they are. And if you are not, it reminds you to practice loving yourself just as you are. These two cannot be separated because, in a partnership even more than when we are alone, we must love ourselves with all our imperfections. Our partners’ reactions touch our weak spots, and we find ourselves having to mobilize every possible reserve of unconditional self-love to cope.
Therefore, if this is the message coming to you today from the category “The Lessons of Love,” check whether it is a sign that you have excessively high demands—both for yourself and your partner—that prevent you from enjoying your relationship as it is: perfect in its imperfect material forms.
