One of the most important things to understand about communication is that when we converse with another person, we are not only exchanging information – we are also exchanging emotional attitudes. In systemic psychotherapy, these two layers are called the “content aspect” and the “relationship aspect.” Of the two, what truly matters for successful communication is the latter.
The content aspect refers to the words themselves – what is being said. For example, your friend tells you how much they love you, or your boss tells you that you will be promoted soon. The relationship aspect refers to how we perceive this information. It is the so-called “metacommunicative aspect” of communication, which determines how we react to what the other person says.
Will you feel happy when you hear words of love from your friend? Or will they infuriate you because you have heard them many times before but still have not felt loved? Will you be pleased by your boss’s words that your efforts will be recognized? Or will they stir up the bitterness of previous disappointments, when you heard the same words but saw no action follow?
It becomes clear that of these two aspects, the relationship aspect is more important, because it determines how we perceive what is being said. This is the field where communication difficulties arise and where the seeds of future mental illness are sown. From the perspective of information exchange, it also far exceeds the content aspect. This is why systemic psychotherapy pays such close attention to metacommunication and its connection to mental health.
As I shared in the article “Thinking Systemically,” various “pathogenic self-invalidating communication patterns” underlie different mental disorders. What they all have in common is the discrepancy between what is being said and what is actually true. When a person lacks trust in their own judgment and is at the same time in a relationship of dependency (as a child to a parent, or a subordinate to a boss), such discrepancy can give rise to serious mental disturbances – ranging from mild confusion and feelings of inadequacy to profound detachment from reality.
Another way to describe these two layers of communication is “verbal” and “nonverbal.” Research shows that most of the information exchanged between people occurs through the nonverbal channel. Different sources cite different ratios, but the most common estimate is 30 to 70 in favour of nonverbal signals – tone and intonation of voice, eye contact, posture, clothing, facial expression, and gestures.
These two levels are also discussed in “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” (Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler), where sensitivity to the relationship aspect is called “watch for conditions.” Through it, we can create an atmosphere of safety and trust – the very foundation of meaningful communication.
“If you can catch signs that the conversation has started to turn crucial – before you get sucked so far into the actual argument that you can never withdraw from the content – then you can start dual-processing immediately. And what exactly should you watch for? People who are gifted at dialogue keep a constant vigil on safety. They pay attention to the content – that’s a given – and they watch for signs that people are becoming fearful.”
“Crucial Conversations”
This is why the real challenge for gifted communicators is to remain attentive to the connection between these two levels. To notice in time when the other person’s attitude begins to distort how what is being discussed is being perceived. And then to shift from content-oriented to relationship-oriented dialogue – by speaking not about what is being discussed, but about how it is being experienced.
Only when they sense that the channel of trust is open again can they return to communicating at the level of content.
The model of these two levels of communication is one of the most important insights I know about human interaction. When we develop sensitivity to the relationship aspect, the door to dialogue opens wide. Then we can speak about any topic – including the most difficult ones.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
