The best way to understand how we shift from the “content aspect” to the “relationship aspect” in communication, when conversations become difficult, is through examples. The authors of “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High”, which I cannot recommend enough, have done an excellent job with this complex and nuanced task.
Here I would like to highlight their idea of the so-called “safety” zone, which plays a central role in building trust between people. For if trust is missing, even the most brilliant arguments will not be heard. Everything that has been said will be filtered through suspicion and fear – and ultimately rejected.
“When it is unsafe, you start to go blind. By carefully watching for safety violations, not only can you see when dialogue is in danger, but you can also reengage your brain. As we’ve said before, when your emotions start cranking up, key brain functions start shutting down. Not only do you prepare to take flight, but your peripheral vision actually narrows. In fact, when you feel genuinely threatened, you can scarcely see beyond what’s right in front of you.
By pulling yourself out of the content of an argument and looking for signs that safety is at risk, you reengage your brain and your full vision returns. As we suggested earlier, when you give your brain a new problem to consider (keep alert for signs that safety is at risk!), it affects your brain functioning. Your higher reasoning centres stay more active, and you’re far less likely to be dumbed down and far more likely to succeed in your crucial conversation.”
“Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” – Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
In a nutshell, every time you sense signs of fear, it is time to switch to the “relationship aspect.” Begin by exploring what exactly triggered the other person’s suspicion or hostility and what role you may have played in that. This is how you take care of the “safety” zone.
“Let’s add a note of caution. When others begin to feel unsafe, they start doing nasty things. Now, since they’re feeling unsafe, you should be thinking to yourself: ‘Hey, they’re feeling unsafe; I need to do something – maybe make it safer.’ That’s what you should be thinking. Unfortunately, since others feel unsafe, they may be trying to make fun of you, insult you, or bowl you over with their arguments. This kind of aggressive behaviour doesn’t exactly bring out the diplomat in you. So instead of taking their attack as a sign that safety is at risk, you take it at face value – as an attack… Then you respond in kind. Or maybe you try to escape. Either way, you’re not dual-processing and then pulling out a skill to restore safety. Instead, you’re becoming part of the problem as you get pulled into a fight.
Imagine the magnitude of what we’re suggesting here. We’re asking you to recode silence and violence as signs that people are feeling unsafe. We’re asking you to fight your natural tendency to respond in kind. We’re asking you to undo years of practice, maybe even eons of genetic shaping that prod you to take flight or to pick a fight when under attack, and recode the stimulus.”
“Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” – Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
This truly is a profound inner transformation, because when we develop these communication skills, we ourselves change along the way. As a result of the ongoing effort to restrain our habitual, instinctive reactions, we become far more self-aware. We grow beyond ego-centred thinking, because at its core the fear response is nothing more than the ego’s struggle for survival and self-preservation.
The first step is to address our own fear before worrying about anyone else’s. Think of airplane safety instructions – you must put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others. The same principle applies in dialogue: we need to establish our own safety zone before we can help others feel safe.
Only then, after weathering some turbulent exchanges, do we have a real chance of landing on the solid ground of mutual respect and understanding.
Kameliya
