There is a poem by Charles Bukowski that I like very much. Since I’ve been thinking about it often lately, I decided to share it on my website as well.
“They say that hell is crowded, yet,
when you’re in hell,
you always seem to be alone.
& you can’t tell anyone when you’re in hell
or they’ll think you’re crazy
& being crazy is being in hell
& being sane is hellish too.
those who escape hell, however,
never talk about it
& nothing much bothers them after that.
I mean, things like missing a meal,
going to jail, wrecking your car,
or even the idea of death itself.
when you ask them,
“how are things?”
they’ll always answer, “fine, just fine…”
once you’ve been to hell and back,
that’s enough
it’s the greatest satisfaction known to man.
once you’ve been to hell and back,
you don’t look behind you when the floor creaks
and the sun is always up at midnight
and things like the eyes of mice
or an abandoned tire in a vacant lot
can make you smile
once you’ve been to hell and back.”
― Charles Bukowski, Burning in Water, Drowning in Flame
These lines touch me. They speak to me. A part of me hears them—and hears them very clearly. Having walked for a long time along the Reverse Path back Home, that part already knows that “paradise before hell” is different from “paradise after hell.”
Most people remain in hell, looking back toward paradise. But the exit sign points in the opposite direction. It leads to a place where there is freedom—but it is the freedom of one who has nothing left to lose. And courage—but the courage of one who has already lived through what they once feared.
“To have been in hell and to have returned” resembles the return of a traveler from a very long journey, filled with danger and pain. His clothes are torn, the skin of his face and hands roughened, his gaze deep. He has been to so many dark and frightening places, and yet he has survived. He has managed to return. He has lived through so much—and now he KNOWS.
What a great satisfaction.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
