In his book “Being a Man and a Father”, the Danish family therapist Jesper Juul speaks about the inevitable crises that periodically arise in long-term relationships. Since a relationship is a living entity that is constantly evolving, development leads to change, and change—if not properly understood—leads to crisis. Knowledge is invaluable precisely in such moments.
“…in most relationships the so-called ‘seven-year crisis’ occurs: after seven years of living together with the same woman, solo performances gradually resume. The arrival of such a crisis should surprise no one: being in love makes us say ‘yes’ too often, to agree with our partner or to do her more favors than we really should. Little by little, however, the desire and pleasure of going to every movie your partner suggests begins to turn into an obligation.
And from the moment you feel this obligation, you are tied down and no longer truly free.
At that point—most often after about seven years—the crisis sets in, and sooner or later you will have to make a decision: either you divorce, or together with your partner you try to redefine the relationship, to mutually acknowledge each other’s individuality, and to begin respecting one another as separate persons.
It is possible that after this period you will never go to the movies together again, because you prefer different genres; it is possible that you will start sleeping in separate rooms, because your snoring has finally become unbearable to her; it is possible that you will have completely different circles of friends, which you take care of separately.
All of these are signs that the two of you are developing—and by no means signals that you are no longer a couple.
If you say ‘yes’ and do something for your partner, always ask yourself whether you are doing it with pleasure or sacrificing your integrity.
This question is decisive, because it concerns your own position in the world. Only you can answer it. You do yourself no favor when you deceive yourself, when you pay more attention to friends, relatives, and children than to yourself. Be responsible toward yourself so that your relationship can remain as healthy as it has been so far.
The next crisis will probably appear after another seven years, and this is the last possible moment to look inward—at your way of life, your work, your habits—in order to answer several important questions: what do you want to keep, and what do you want to let go of? Look carefully at your partner as well and ask yourself whether you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. Keeping a relationship alive for years is not a matter of feelings alone, but above all a matter of will.”
Jesper Juul, Being a Man and a Father, p. 92
This text belongs to the category “Lessons of Love.” Although at first glance it addresses the dynamics of long-term relationships, its message is in fact universal: the feeling of closeness and connectedness that is love does not necessarily have to coincide with physical togetherness.
We can feel deeply connected to another person without spending most of our time together—as we may have done at the beginning of a relationship, or as we are accustomed to believe we should, based on traditional family models. More than that, the truth may be exactly the opposite: the more trust and closeness there is in a relationship, the more both partners can afford the freedom to follow their own interests when these differ from those of the partner.
Closeness and freedom are not mutually exclusive, but it usually takes considerable time, through trial and error, to discover the formula in which they can be harmoniously combined.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
Note: The quotations are translated from Bulgarian and are not presented as verbatim citations.
