“Your salvation comes not in the action of another, but in your own reaction.” Neale Donald Walsch
Taking responsibility for our lives is the only place where true and deep changes begin. These are changes that we first implement within ourselves, and only then do we see them reflected in external circumstances. Until we realize—not only with our minds but also with our hearts—that we always have the freedom to choose how to react to external events, we remain psychologically children, dependent on other people or external circumstances.
I realize that this is a cliché, but that is exactly the problem with clichés—until we begin to live them, they are not true truths. They are merely something we have heard and repeat in turn, without having the experience of what the strength and freedom that come with taking full responsibility for our reactions actually look like.
Stephen Covey calls this process of change “Inside-Out,” and it begins with the simple realization that between the external world and our reactions to it, there is a small space in which we choose how to react. This small space is, in fact, the largest possible space, because it is the space of freedom.
“…one day as I was wandering between the stacks in the library, I came across a book that immediately caught my interest. I opened it and by chance fell upon a paragraph that literally changed my life. I read the passage several times. In short, it said that between stimulus and response, there is a space and that the key to our growth, self-improvement, and happiness lies exactly there—in how we use that space. It is difficult to describe the effect this idea had on me… Again and again, I turned these words over in my mind, and their power and influence on my paradigm for life gradually increased. I felt like a spectator of my own life. I began to explore this space and to observe the stimuli from the outside. I immersed myself in the feeling of freedom that allowed me not only to choose my reactions but even to become a stimulus myself, or at least to influence the change of stimuli.”
Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
We cannot understand that we are responsible if we do not realize that we have a choice. This can be seen when we have thoughts that blame or set conditions. For example, “Only if… (e.g., my husband understood me), I would… (be more confident, successful, and happy).”
The great challenge in taking responsibility for our lives is that most of the time we do not even realize that we feel like victims of external circumstances, and our primary efforts are directed toward changing those external factors. And because our efforts are directed in the wrong direction, we fail. Instead of asking ourselves what we can do differently, we repeat the same thoughts in our minds: “Only if the outside world gives me what I want, will I finally be happy.”
And so, the primary rule for fully learning the lesson of responsibility is to be aware of the boundaries of our own circle of influence. This requires wisdom and the acceptance of the inevitable limitations we must live with. And of these two, wisdom is the more important, because often we feel responsible for things that are not our responsibility, while at the same time feeling powerless to change something that is within our power. If we have the wisdom, acceptance comes easily.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
