1. Identify the Trigger
Think about what is currently causing a problem in your life: Is it your parents? Your partner (or the lack thereof)? Your children? Your boss? Your job? Politicians? Global warming? People’s rudeness? Your health? Death? Or perhaps it is yourself and your own imperfections? Look at this as clearly as possible.
Formulate it clearly and concisely until you feel that this is exactly what worries and disturbs you the most.
2. Identify the Emotion
Take the next step—write down how you feel about it.
Do you feel hurt? Rejected? Lonely? Misunderstood? Afraid? Powerless? Unfree? Restricted? Small and pathetic? Angry?
3. Observe the Thoughts
Write down the thoughts that these emotions generate.
(Stop reading here for a moment if you do not want to be influenced by what you will discover in the fourth step.)
4. The Analysis: Blame vs. Responsibility
Finally, examine these thoughts. See if any of them contain blame or self-blame. These thoughts are the real problem. That is it. There is nothing else.
The Trap of Blame and Self-Blame
Blame and self-blame trap us in a vicious cycle of thoughts that lead to a sense of powerlessness. And when you are powerless, you can do nothing. That is when the “problem” arises.
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In the first case (Blame): A person feels powerless because someone else—the outside world—is the cause of how they feel. They believe the other person or the world must change, not themselves. This is the victim mentality: “I am innocent, I did nothing to deserve this, it’s not fair…” Even if what is happening to us is indeed unjust (and the world is full of injustice), we still have the choice of how to react to it, don’t we?
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In the second case (Self-blame): These thoughts block the only action that can release our creative energy and the courage to walk our own untrodden paths. Guilt suppresses healthy egoism and the right to make mistakes in order to grow.
The Path to Maturity
In both cases, the problem is a result of emotional dependency on others and low levels of psychological maturity. If someone involved fails to meet expectations, problems arise. In this space, there is no room for forgiveness—the very thing that allows human relationships to survive our mistakes.
Put another way: other people or life circumstances are merely the conditions that allow our own weak, undeveloped, or childish parts to manifest. If we can look at our lives this way and take responsibility for our reactions, the problem disappears.
In its place come the conditions for psychological development and the learning of mature forms of love. Strength for action arrives—the right action that can begin to change what we previously blamed or felt angry about.
However, if we continue to resist the reality that has fallen short of our expectations, the problem remains. In that case, even a psychotherapist cannot help us solve it.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
