*“When he was 31 years old, the poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote a letter to a friend: ‘Stop searching for the answers. You would not be able to live them if you found them.’
This is a very important psychotherapeutic axiom: do not give anyone an answer they are not ready to live.”*
— Bert Hellinger
My fellow psychotherapists know this rule very well—an interpretation should be offered to the client only when the therapist sees that the client is ready to understand it. I have found myself breaking this rule in my desire to accelerate the process of change, only to realize time and again how true it is. I know now, even more clearly, that when a person is not ready to live the answers, they reject them—even if those answers arrive in the most clear and unambiguous way.
I am not referring only to answers within the psychotherapeutic office; I mean the answers given by Life itself. Moreover, the resistance against their truth can be fierce.
What is even sadder is when an answer is accepted and its accuracy is recognized, yet the person does not dare to take the actions associated with it. Unfortunately, I have seen such cases in my practice—people who have understood the cause of their suffering very well, but do nothing to change it. They remain the same, even though they know exactly what needs to be done for a positive change to occur.
Perhaps that is why I felt the urge to share this knowledge now—as you search for answers, know that they may be right in front of you, right under your nose, but they might be the last thing you are willing to see or admit to yourself. Or, you may know perfectly well what needs to be done, but you procrastinate indefinitely and repeat the old pattern. Or, you may want to help a friend because you see what is good for them, but you can do nothing because they are not ready to hear the answer.
If this thought of Hellinger’s reaches you today, ask yourself if you are ready to live the answers you already know. And the same applies to the people you wish to be helpful to.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
Note: The quotations are translated from Bulgarian and are not presented as verbatim citations.
