Following my post on identifying the “real” problem, here is a sequel in the same spirit. It is this: if we manage to find what that problem is, we soon discover that the problem itself contains the solution to our truly “real” issue.
Sound a bit confusing? Let me give you an example to make it clear.
In one of my groups, we worked on the theme of a participant who felt powerless to forgive her boyfriend and end her relationship with him. During the psychological exploration, it became clear that her real problem was an inability to let go of control and open up to the free flow of love. She agreed and confirmed that this was exactly what she had been trying to do for some time—to let go of control. She said she desperately wanted to understand how to let go because she was failing. My comment was that she actually already knew how and was even doing it. What else is her experience of powerlessness if not a forced practice in letting go of control?
This is what I mean when I say that the problem is the solution—the powerlessness, which was perceived as the problem, was actually the solution to her real problem: the desire for things to happen exactly the way she wanted them to.
The Wisdom of the “Illness”
I have shared other examples of this shift in perspective before. For instance, the story of the woman who constantly ends up in disappointing relationships with men because “when she wants something, she wants it too strongly.” Liz Greene’s comment regarding her was that “the qualities she needs to develop come to her in the form of restrictive situations and disinterested people who leave her emotional needs unfulfilled.”
One of the branches of psychotherapy I deeply admire is Gestalt therapy. In his book “Gestalt Therapy: The Attitude and Practice of Atheoretical Empiricism,” Claudio Naranjo writes:
“In Gestalt therapy, there exists an attitude of respect toward a person’s illness; it is primary to the effectiveness of change. It is a paradox, however—psychotherapeutic activity, usually understood as a direction of respect, is in this case based on the attitude of accepting the person exactly as they are.”
For a long time, I tried to grasp Naranjo’s statement. An attitude of respect is understandable, but how exactly do I include a person’s “illness” in it? After all, hasn’t the person come to me so I can help them get rid of it? I understood when I saw that the problem is the solution.
What Is Your Struggle “Healing”?
Here are a few more examples:
-
If you suffer from doubt and are confused… Perhaps that is the solution. The real problem might be that you trust what others tell you too much, or you are too convinced of your own rightness.
-
If you find it difficult to ask for things… Perhaps that is the solution. There is a high probability that you are asking for things that do not stem from your deepest essence. If you manage to understand what you truly want, feel it with your whole heart, and clear it of any selfishness, you will find that you have no problem asking.
If you are… I leave it to you to continue. Write down the problem that torments you and try to discover exactly what it is “healing” you from. As a rule, it is always some one-sidedness of the conscious attitude or an undeveloped part of the character.
The problem is the solution.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
