Some of the most profound observations of the inner life can be found among people who practice meditation—the best tool for observing our internal processes. Such is Andy James, the author of the book “The Conscious Self,” from which the quote below is taken.
“There is a black spot in our consciousness. It prevents us from truly learning from our experience, from bridging the gap between what we know should be done and its practical implementation; it prevents us from finding wholeness, harmony, and satisfaction…
This black spot is we ourselves. All thoughts and activities stem from the center we consider our ‘self.’ We are voluntary slaves to the master of internal voices and impulses, and yet, we know very little about them—where they originate, which voice to believe. Our ‘self’ looks solid and real enough to us, but if we look for it, we will find it nowhere. It is neither a limb nor an organ, not even the brain…
And what makes the black spot even harder to understand is that it is not something single. Our ego or ‘the self’ resembles a shelf or a structure stacked with a large number of behavioral models or subpersonalities, each fighting for the right to self-expression. There may be the parent, the child, the man or the woman, the fighter, the brawler, the coward, the wild one, and many others. These subpersonalities can be likened to many people inhabiting the same body.
When we say ‘I am torn by internal contradictions,’ we are often much closer to the truth than we imagine…
The mind is a double-edged sword. On one hand, it gifts us with the joy that we are individual, unique, and possess power. It gives us the opportunity to analyze and disassemble things into their constituent parts so that we can study them and use them…
On the other hand, it makes us separate, divided, vulnerable, insecure, and mortal. It detaches the individual from everything else in the Universe (from everything that is not ‘I’), which is the very foundation of our existence…
Since this separation and fragmentation also occurs within us, it separates one part of our essence from the other. Thus, one part of us can be ‘good’ and the other ‘evil’; one can be ‘deep’ and the other ‘shallow’; one can be ‘true’ and the other ‘false.’ Often these radically different parts are in conflict.
Since we know very little about the actual nature of our conflicts, we can rarely resolve them and are caught as if in a trap….”
Andy James, “The Conscious Self (Clarity and Purpose Through Meditation)”
The first step in self-knowledge is when we realize that we do not know ourselves. Then we lose clarity and become confused—we see how many internal conflicts and contradictory desires we are filled with.
The next step is to develop the skill of “extraordinary observation” (Krishnamurti), and our strongest desire should be a life in truth, regardless of whether we like what we see about ourselves or not.
The third step is to begin unifying the various internal parts in a way that transcends the conflict (the essence of the process of individuation).
After long years of practicing a life of wakefulness and inner honesty, the dark spot of our own ignorance about what the Self is begins to brighten. It turns into that “dense and solid” thing at the center of our being, which alchemists call the “philosopher’s stone,” and mystics—Presence.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
