Below is a translation of a discourse by Osho on human relationships, which comments on the seemingly paradoxical question of whether it is better to be alone or with someone else, if in both cases we are unhappy.
The Question: I am afraid of loneliness. At the moment I am not in a relationship—something I like and, at the same time, do not like.
Osho’s Answer:
“The time when you will be able to be alone will come, but for now it has not yet arrived. So whether you like it or not, you will have to be with someone. Aloneness is possible only when a person is truly mature, and nothing can be done so that maturity comes instantly. Maturity comes bit by bit, in small steps, as you live with people and suffer, but also enjoy.
After so many different experiences in relationships, one day you suddenly realize that a person is enough unto themselves, that there is no need to depend on other people. But this aloneness is not a kind of negative space; it is a deep contentment that aloneness is beautiful, that it is a blessing. But this comes only when you have passed through many hells and purgatories… only then.
You cannot jump straight into heaven; the way to heaven passes through hell. You must go through hell; it is a school—it prepares you for heaven. So do not be in a hurry, because otherwise you will be miserable.
It is better to be in a relationship and be miserable than to be miserable and be lonely. This is the only choice right now: miserable alone or miserable with someone else.
But when you are miserable with someone else, it is better, because at least you can shift the responsibility to the other. When you are absolutely alone, on whom can you shift the responsibility? You carry the whole burden… and there isn’t even anyone else to share it! When you are miserable with someone else, you can find reasons, explanations, because the misery is there. When you are alone, there is no reason or justification, so the mind feels very unoccupied and the misery seems continuous, eternal.
Right now, choose that misery of the other kind, which people call a relationship. It is a necessary evil that you must go through. And one day you will be able to go beyond it, but that moment has not yet come.
When it does come, you will not feel miserable; you will feel that you are on top of the world. There is no joy that compares to this; no relationship can bring you this joy. Relationships always remain a mixed phenomenon: a few moments of joy and much more misery. This is the price one must pay for those few moments of joy.
But if you are alone right now, even those few moments will not be there; it will be only misery and misery, and one feels monotonous. When you are with someone, at least the misery changes its colors and forms. In the morning it was one thing, and by evening it is already something else. All misery is the same (laughs), but it changes! So find some friend in need. Start looking around!” Osho, The Sun Behind the Sun, Talk #24
This commentary may evoke conflicting feelings, and it should. Osho is famous for giving opposite advice to the people who ask him. This is because he takes into account the individual situation of the questioner. Obviously, for this particular person, this is the right answer. For another, it would not be so.
Regardless, however, of whether one chooses to remain miserable in a relationship or to remain miserable alone, the fact is that our relationships with other people are the most important tool for our self-knowledge and spiritual growth. Or, as Marianne Williamson writes in her book A Return to Love:
“Relationships exist to accelerate our journey to God.”
And:
“The key with which we open the door to the Divine is very simple—it is called other people.”
