I like Scott Kiloby very much. He is one of the few people who evoke genuine trust and affection in me when they speak about spiritual practices and enlightenment. And he has attained enlightenment. He has had the experience that he and the rest of life are One. He has lived through the dissolution of the ego and what the power of the present moment—the power of presence here and now—means in practice.
The significant issue is that after this experience he realized that this was not the end. That the dissolution of the ego-illusion of separateness, which occurs through experiences at the level of the sixth chakra, is a wonderful experience that brings peace and silence, but it is not enough. Because it is merely an experience from the transpersonal realm. That the goal is not escape from life in matter, but precisely the opposite—embodiment. A true, total permeation of spirit into every cell of the body.
Below is an article of his that I came across while I was engaged in my favorite research on the topic of duality. And because I rarely encounter texts of such value, written by people who revise the “old paradigm of enlightenment” as the primary goal of the spiritual seeker, I felt the urge to pass it on.
This article is very valuable to me. It makes clear that even theories of non-duality can generate subtle forms of inner splitting, if one imagines non-duality as a state free of suffering. Or, as I myself recently realized, even the idea of neutrality—which I like very much—can generate inner splitting. Because neutrality—what irony!—is also part of duality and, as such, has its opposite: passion. That wonderful quality that makes us burn for what we do. To strive only for neutrality and impartiality means to fall into one-sidedness. And to become lukewarm.
“So because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I will spit you out of my mouth.”
Book of Revelation 3:15
From Kiloby’s article it becomes clear that:
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the true way to deal with duality is to allow ourselves to be present with and to accept all experiences, especially the painful ones;
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the experience of ego dissolution as a transpersonal experience has no value if it is not accompanied by the unification of the fragmented parts of the Self that are full of pain and therefore rejected;
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freedom does not come with the dissolution of ego-consciousness and non-identification with form—the true freedom is the result of contact with the truth of experiences in the world of form;
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spirituality is not found in the rejection of the body and its desires, emotions, and sensations—mature forms of spirituality are precisely the opposite: full embodiment in the body, and acceptance of life in its wholeness.
And so—enjoy the reading!
Kameliya
From Scott Kiloby
The Beginning and End of Spiritual Bypassing
“When we learn how to be present with feelings, thoughts, mental images, and sensations, and we are no longer divided, then we are truly freed. And then it becomes easier to live from and within awareness of the present moment, because we are willing to welcome kindly everything we have been trying to avoid.”
We grow up disconnected from our bodies, disembodied, if our parents do not teach us how to be in contact with our emotions. Our childhood can teach us how to avoid being present in our bodies, so that we do not feel fully and cannot relax. We do not always learn this. It is quite normal that when we grow up and come across spiritual teachings that include non-duality, we continue with this same habit. But what we really need are teachings and methods that help us correct this disconnection from our bodies. Sometimes the teachings do not work because the teachers themselves, or those introducing the method, have not freed themselves from this pattern.
I have done a lot—a lot—of bypassing. If at any point it seems as though I am wagging my finger at you, assume that I am wagging it just as much at myself, because I believe that we are all in this together, regardless of what role we play in life. We all have the same problems. And this article aims to draw attention to them.
I came to non-duality through the teaching of Eckhart Tolle. When I watched Tolle, what I noticed most was how he spoke about his anger before his enlightenment experience. He seemed genuinely humble, and I thought to myself, “I want that too.” What I did not know was that in order to arrive at peace, I first had to live through my anger, because my inner conditioning was to suppress it. I wanted somehow—by all means—to bypass it, to avoid it. I wanted to slip past it without facing it directly. I watched Tolle and it seemed to me that I could get to where he was without dealing with my suppressed anger. But Eckhart Tolle probably did not suppress his anger in the way that I had. By his own account, he felt okay with his anger. But I did not. And so my intense running away from my anger—which was in fact a way of keeping it suppressed—was a massive spiritual bypass.
A large part of the work with myself involved bringing suppressed anger into the light, so that I could feel it and then let it go. Sometimes I had to express it, but most often I simply had to feel it and begin to genuinely feel comfortable with that sensation.
What Is Spiritual Bypassing?
Spiritual bypassing is similar to the so-called end run in American football, when the player with the ball runs far outside the marked field in order to avoid the opposing defenders. In our case, these are painful or suppressed emotions. Bypassing is deeply rooted in us because we want to feel good. We do not want to feel bad. When you see that all of us react in a similar way, your self-judgment decreases.
Another bypass for me occurred when I came across the teaching of Adyashanti. He did not teach me to bypass, but I interpreted his teaching as the attainment of unity or an opening to the realization of where we come from and to awareness of the present moment. My addiction-prone mind thought that once I achieved all of this, I should no longer experience feelings A, B, C, and D. And again, I want to emphasize—Adyashanti did not say anything like this. In fact, he was a good teacher. But I perceived his words as encouraging bypassing, because I had been conditioned not to want to feel negative emotions. I was seeking the experience of complete oneness. But every time I imagined this oneness in the future, I was avoiding being present in the experience of the present moment.
Many spiritual seekers around the world do the same thing. They attend retreat after retreat in the hope that such an experience will happen to them—one that will free them from suffering. It is true that an awakening experience can shift your identity from the ego to the sense that a separate self does not exist. But the more important truth is that awareness is like a bright flashlight. Once the flashlight turns on (awakening), everything you have been trying to avoid shines brightly on the surface. And the key is in understanding that there is no way to be freed from pain except by going through it.
From Spiritual Bypassing to Self-Inquiry
Because I had bypassed my negative experiences many times, I needed to find a way to change this habit in my practice. Eventually, I developed a system of questions designed to help one go inward and truly feel what one is trying to avoid. When we learn how to be present with feelings, thoughts, mental images, and sensations, and are no longer divided, then we are truly freed. As a result, it becomes easier to live and to be aware of the present moment, because we are willing and benevolent in welcoming everything we have been trying to avoid.
The best way to apply my method is to understand that it involves both awareness and self-inquiry at the same time. That is why I call it “Relax. Inquire. Enjoy Life.” It is about both the transcendent experience of awareness (relaxation) and seeing conditioning (phenomena) as they come and go (inquiry). You cannot have one without the other. In other words, awareness that does not transform your human experience (that is not embodied) is not worth much. In the same way, if you only try to transform your humanity, you miss the transcendent aspect. You get stuck in the ego, and that can be very painful and frustrating. The two always go hand in hand. Otherwise, you remain half-awake.
I speak about embodiment because spiritual bypassing is so widespread that it seems to me to be what sustains human suffering. Years ago, it was very common for teachers not to address embodiment. I know that many of these teachers suffer when they are alone, outside the spotlight. Some even left teaching altogether. Their realizations and their teaching were underdeveloped.
I moved from seeking enlightenment to self-inquiry, because only in this way could I simultaneously meet what I was feeling in the moment and remain aware at the same time. As I mentioned above, I could include both. I let go of the future-oriented idea of “seeking enlightenment” and instead focused on going inward in order to feel everything I had been trying to avoid.
The search for enlightenment assumes that there is something in the future—like a drug, a pill, a medicine, or something similar—that will free us from everything that does not look or feel like enlightenment. But nothing frees us from emotion, not even “enlightenment.” Life is full of feelings and sensations.
When you become more present, you already have the tool to meet these feelings. For me, the richness of all these conversations about enlightenment or awakening lies in the revelation that awareness of each and every present moment is something very basic. Awareness is always here, and in this way I can meet my experience face to face. When you understand that life happens in each moment, you can view life as meditation. Life is inquiry, if you choose it to be. Every moment offers an opportunity to be with what is happening and not to bypass it. We can be attentive and awake in every situation, rather than using sessions of self-inquiry, satsang, or retreats to get to something in the future (which is always discouraging, because the future never arrives—life happens only now).
Anything Can Be Used as Bypassing
Literally anything can be used as bypassing. Every time we do not meet a situation as it is, bypassing may be present. In spiritual teachings there is a subtle form of bypassing expressed in the phrase: “Allow everything to be as it is.” Some minds use this instruction so as never to be freed from a particular story. The story continues to remain there; they are aware of it and they “allow” it. To be more radical means to see how the story also dissolves and disappears. This is how the instruction to accept turns into bypassing. By holding on to their story, these people never truly go inward and release the emotion behind it.
Suppression is another form of bypassing. It is the tendency not to be ourselves, not to say what we want, to suppress our speech, our behavior, our sexuality, or our creativity.
Bypassing does not occur only in teachings on non-duality or enlightenment. New Age spirituality is full of bypassing. It contains a great deal of “magical” thinking, which is actually designed to help you avoid the sensations that are present in reality. It is unfortunate that this is so popular, because it does not reduce suffering. All those for whom New Age spirituality seems to work are in for a huge surprise when they eventually find themselves face to face with their trauma. Because this will inevitably happen. It always does.
Therapy can also be bypassing. There are many good therapies that are based on working with the body—I am not speaking about those. I am again referring to those therapies that try to reprogram thinking. Of course, there is a place for that as well. But therapy remains bypassing if the therapist does not succeed in helping the client allow and feel what they are avoiding.
One of the most popular recovery programs, the “12 Steps,” also contains a significant bypassing pattern. Because it is very head-oriented, people suffering from addiction often attend, study, and repeat the concepts. In this way, they acquire a mind filled with ideas about recovery, which in itself is a perfect way to avoid feelings.
As I mentioned earlier, bypassing is also found in spirituality. As far back as the emergence of Buddhism and Hinduism, there existed the notion that liberation is connected with recognizing formlessness or pure presence. We are taught that we are formless space. We could say that this is the old version of enlightenment—that somehow formlessness can be separated from form. But I think that even back then, some people sensed that there was a problem, and certain branches of Buddhism began to speak about form. They asked: “How do we include form as well?” Here, form refers to our thoughts, feelings, and so on. These things are included not by turning away from them, but by skillfully being present with them (allowing them and questioning them). This is not about indulging in thinking and feeling. It is about seeing them as they are, allowing them to be, while watching them disperse. All of them are impermanent.
The Danger of Spiritual Teachings That Promote Separation from the Body
Some ancient teachings on non-duality, as well as some contemporary ones, speak of formlessness as if it were the only possible enlightenment. This extreme viewpoint can lead to problematic situations in which people are unable to connect with one another, because they are stuck in a kind of formless awareness that actually denies or rejects form.
We listen to or read the body-denying teachers of Neo-Advaita who claim: “Awareness is all that exists.” When a student goes to them and asks, “And what about feelings or thoughts?” the teacher replies, “No, no, those are all things of the ego. Don’t pay attention to them.” All of us go through different traumas, different stories, and not everyone can simply wake up with a Neo-Advaita view of things.
If suppression is already present in your life—that is, the suppression of yourself—be careful when you encounter non-dual teachings that tell you that the self does not exist. Yes, there is no Self, but if you have been trying to suppress yourself up to now, the path to self-knowledge can be blocked by suppression. One tries to free oneself from experience and from oneself. But this is actually violence toward oneself.
Find Mature Healing Methods That Do Not Encourage Suppression
Begin to explore yourself independently, or engage in some form of therapy that is mature—one that does not encourage suppression, but allows things to be as they are: thoughts, feelings, behavior. Put simply, live your life and allow things to arise on their own. And then the question that arises will come from a place of calm wakefulness, in which you are not using questions to suppress aspects of yourself. Because self-inquiry can help for a certain time to switch off thoughts and feelings, but after a while it can make you ill.
Some people imagine that being awakened or spiritual means always being good and kind. This is another form of suppression. You suppress anger, you suppress those parts of yourself that are not “good” and “kind.” That is why my spiritual practice sometimes includes getting angry. Non-duality is not only about nice, kind things. It is about being present with what is. Life is as much explosion as it is silence.
If you are someone who experiences a lot of anger, learn how to be present with your anger in a way that accepts and allows it. This does not mean taking it out on other people, although that does sometimes happen when we are very angry. Notice how these parts of you show themselves while you are trying to be nice and good all the time. You are angry somewhere deep inside, but you show only your nice side. These other parts of you need to be included in awareness, so that your realization is balanced, authentic, and honest. Otherwise, you are simply putting on a mask in which you are always nice, good, happy, and smiling. After a while, however, people inevitably realize that this is false.
I once confused calmness with awakening. There truly is deep peace in presence here and now. I do not dispute that at all. I even feel it right now—silence and calm. But the problem is that the ego makes a mask out of calmness. Just be careful if you think awakening means being like someone who appears confident, or like a teacher who seems calm, or like your neighbor who is always nice. It is easy to fall into this trap, because we are programmed not to want to feel.
The Belief That Suffering Has a Purpose Can Also Be Bypassing
Another form of bypassing that I have noticed is the idea that suffering has a purpose. Some people come to us at the Kiloby Center and say, “I just want to be free of all my negativity and suffering.” But once we begin to ask questions and inquire, we discover that there is some benefit behind their suffering, such as: “I see myself as unworthy of love, because in that way I receive love.” It is as if there is an operating system that uses suffering in order to receive safety, protection, approval, or love from others. This system obstructs true freedom. And this does not happen consciously at all. When done properly, inquiry can bring unconscious material to the surface so that it can be seen. Then, by seeing it clearly, you can recognize that these patterns are not who you are. Your permission is what releases them.
Trust is important. Trust the process of going inward and feeling. Trust that the challenges in your relationships open a doorway to freedom.
Bypassing Happens When We Play Roles
Bypassing happens when we play roles. If you are a teacher, coach, facilitator, or therapist, the moment you think that you are free of everything human, you no longer see yourself as equal to those around you. These are major delusions. All roles blind you, because you identify with an identity, and all identities help us bypass what is happening in present-moment experience. Body-disconnected teachers speak from a role, blind to their own issues, and this teaches students to be blind to theirs as well. The student is left with the impression that it is normal to live in a role and be “awake.” Of course, this is impossible.
If you enter a room thinking that you are the authority, you automatically stop being present with the other person, precisely because you are in a role. Step out of your role. You are not a facilitator. Not a teacher. Not a therapist. We are all equal in this undertaking. Everyone has things to become aware of. I have spoken privately with enough non-duality teachers to state that every one of them has their own issues to work through.
You will know that your spiritual teacher is equal to you if they also share their problems. They are transparent in their relationship with you. Feelings arise in relationship. Life is relationship.
There are many teachers who, like me, have had trauma. I myself am among them. Only after my awakening did I begin to work with my trauma from sixth grade, when I was mocked, an experience that marked me deeply. Once again, I emphasize—I did not address it at all before my awakening. Why? Because I followed teachings that bypass. They taught me that there was no need to deal with my trauma. And guess what? I had to deal with my trauma.
Some teachers, healers, and therapists believe that they are saviors. It is easy to think so when there are people around who reinforce this delusion. For this very reason, I abandoned the practice of satsang years ago. You have to be extremely vigilant not to get caught in this. If you do not face the very core of your story about why you do not deserve love (or whatever your story may be), you will offer teaching, healing, and therapy from a misguided motivation (even if part of it is genuinely selfless).
Acknowledge and Investigate Your Traumas and Stories of Deficiency
This realization came after my awakening. But you do not have to wait that long. You can look at these things now. This does not slow anything down. It does not postpone your freedom. On the contrary, it gives you the freedom to investigate your trauma with preparation. And it will make your awakening embodied, authentic, honest, inclusive, compassionate, and loving. If you include in your work your stories of trauma and deficiency—all the problematic human traits you would like to bypass—you will not fall into these difficult situations.
Beneath the story we tell ourselves in the mind, there are many small subplots—stories of inadequacy such as: I am not good enough, I do not deserve love, I am not safe, I am not supported, I am hurt, I am a victim, I am powerless, I am weak. When you have an awakening, there is no guarantee that these threads will surface, so investigate these subtler levels as well. If you do not, and you become a teacher or therapist, there is a danger that you will begin to relate through these threads of deficiency. You will constantly monitor whether people come to you. You will ask yourself, “Do people like me as much as they like …”
Let Us Celebrate the Many Expressions of Life on the Middle Way
Something I see in non-dual teachings is an insufficient celebration of the unique expression of what we are. There is too much talk about there being no self. There is talk of awareness or formlessness. But where does the unique expression of each form remain? There are so many beautiful creations everywhere, and every human being is a unique expression of life. This beauty is sometimes overlooked, oversimplified, and pushed into the idea of the ego. And in this neglect and suppression, there is often a natural bypassing of what we express as individuality in this world.
The Middle Way is the path between extremes. One extreme is the view that there is only formlessness or awareness. This view is extreme because it denies diversity and the unique manifestations of life. The other extreme view is that there are only unique, separate forms—that there is no awareness or formlessness, only people, egos, and things that are separate from one another. This too is an extreme viewpoint. When you stop bypassing your feelings and begin to attend to them at the moment they arise, you naturally begin to live on the Middle Way and avoid these extremes.
Disconnection from the Body Forms the Ego
When we are children and feelings arise naturally, we are not taught how to go inward, feel them, and simply allow them to come and go. The mind then has to compensate and create all kinds of strategies, stories, and defense mechanisms for self-protection. This is how the ego is created. Quite literally, the ego is formed also because, at a very early age, we failed to embody—we did not learn how to feel when we were very young.
If we meet our feelings, there will no longer be a need to hide in either of these extremes. We will not need to hide in awareness, because we will be in contact with our emotions, feeling everything as we walk the Middle Way. Nor will we hide in the pure ego state, in which we believe we are separate individuals and deficient. This too is a state of bypassing. We are only in the head and almost entirely identified with the mind.
Again, when you go inward, feel everything, and meet everything, you naturally begin to walk the Middle Way. This is a way of embodiment in the world that acknowledges awareness without absolutizing it or turning it into something more than it is. You do not need to understand the Middle Way. Simply do the work that no longer involves bypassing.
Scott Kiloby
The Beginning and End of Spiritual Bypassing,
Note: This is a re-translation into English from the Bulgarian version, as the original English text is no longer available.
