There is a story about a samurai that I like very much. I am retelling it here from memory.
Once upon a time, there was a samurai whose master had been killed. He set out to find his master’s murderer, as his samurai duty commanded him to kill the man. When he finally found him, he drew his sword and prepared to take his life. At that very moment, however, the killer spat in his face. The samurai felt anger begin to fill his entire being, so he sheathed his sword and walked away without killing him. A fundamental rule of his samurai honor was never to kill in a moment of affect, but only when he was clear of all emotions—neutral. The killer knew this and had used it to his advantage.
I love this story and recall it whenever I want to confront someone about aspects of their behavior that I dislike. It helps me calm the emotion, find the right distance and understanding, and subdue the instinctive, reactive part of me; only then do I inform them how their behavior affects me. Of course, I do not always succeed. But when I do, I know I have done something very important for myself. In fact, the most important thing. I have managed to alchemize the lead of my primal instincts into the gold of awareness and inner freedom.
Afterward, confrontation becomes very easy. The right words come on their own, and because the other person senses that my words are not weighed down by negative emotions, they are more open to what I am saying.
This tale is an alchemical one—a small reminder of how to use difficult relationships in our lives to generate awareness and inner freedom.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
