“The greatest lie promoted by many institutions in our society, which in a sense plays upon our human nature and the sin of laziness, is that we are on this earth to be happy all the time. Corporations, the media, and the church constantly flood us with the lie that we are here to be happy, fulfilled, and to live in comfort. In the interest of profit, advertisements claim that if we are not happy and fulfilled, the reason must be that we are not eating the right brand of oatmeal or driving the right car. Or perhaps that our relationship with God is misplaced.
How perverse this is! The truth is that the finest moments in our lives often come when we are not living in comfort, when we do not feel happy or fulfilled, but when we are struggling and searching.” — M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Traveled
Of course, this does not mean that happiness should be discarded from our lives or that we should all fall into a state of suffering masochism. However, I know how much damage is done to that very happiness by the belief that we ought to be happy, and that if we aren’t, something must be wrong with us. This does not correspond to the reality of life, where it is perfectly natural to have day and night, cold and heat, sun and clouds. Moreover, deep suffering is not a sign that something wrong is happening in our lives; as a rule, it is an expression of spiritual awakening. The pain that enters our lives is an occasion to reflect on what we lack and what we can change, rather than a cause for self-blame and feelings of inferiority in comparison to others.
We are generally inclined to hide our weakness, vulnerability, and pain, showing a false face of happiness and positivity. In doing so, however, we lie not only to others but also to ourselves. We do this because we, in turn, have been lied to — told that a fulfilling life means being happy. But a truly fulfilling life has nothing to do with happiness; it is about being whole, being faithful to your inner truth, and having the willingness to endure the suffering it may bring. The deepest and most soul-touching connections happen not when we are happy, but when we are understood and accepted in our vulnerability and our pain.
I had a young client who once told me: “All these people around me look so happy, only I am so miserable and insecure”… And a little later she continued, “Everyone around me is lying and there is no real love. Everyone says one thing and does another, everyone is cheating on each other.” Then I asked her: “Which is the truth, then — that everyone is happy, or that everyone is lying and there is no real love?”
I don’t know people who are happy when there is no love in their lives, but I know many who look happy despite the absence of love. If happiness lies in shared intimacy, and true intimacy is when we can be real, it follows that true happiness is when we are being our authentic selves. And being authentic includes pain, vulnerability, and unhappiness.
There is an expression in English that I like very much: “It’s okay not to be okay.” The opposite of the lie we grow up with is the realization that there is nothing wrong with things not being alright.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
*Translation from Bulgarian
