What makes love triangles a potential for spiritual transformation is that forgiveness—the only positive way of dealing with betrayal—is not a product of ego-will, but comes from a source that is different from the desire of our conscious attitude. No matter how much we want to forgive, we cannot, because forgiveness is the final result of an accomplished spiritual transformation.
In her book Relationships and How to Survive Them, Liz Greene comments on the words of James Hillman about “the glory of forgiveness as an important spiritual experience and as an act of divine grace”:
“I do not believe that true forgiveness can come in any other way. It is an act of God’s grace. It cannot be created through an effort of the will. It is very sad to hear the betrayed person say, ‘I forgive you,’ not because they truly feel it in their heart, but in order to make the unfaithful partner return. Underneath, there may be no forgiveness at all—although this may be entirely unconscious—and then the punishment repeats itself again and again.
I think forgiveness can come only through the recognition of one’s own hidden complicity and the withdrawal of projections.
Before that, forgiveness is truly not possible. It seems to arise after something has been sincerely integrated within ourselves. The entire process is deeply transforming.
I do not know whether forgiveness is what transforms, or whether forgiveness is a by-product of transformation. I suspect it is the latter.
We cannot manufacture forgiveness if we have been betrayed. We can only integrate what belongs to our own souls.”
Only someone who has personally experienced what wounded trust looks like in their closest relationships knows how difficult forgiveness truly is. Betrayal is a bitter—very bitter—experience. No matter how strongly a person wishes to forgive, the bitterness seeps like poison into the body, and the instinctual part of us wants to strike back, to bite, so that the betrayer may understand what they have caused. Despite the enlightened intentions of the conscious attitude, the desire for revenge returns again and again, painting images of a just retaliation. Yet because this “justice” belongs to the paradigm of “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth,” it leads to nothing but a vicious circle of mutual injury.
A new ethic is required—one embodied in the New Testament covenant between God and humanity and in the Christian faith. Forgiveness becomes central for the first time in this new faith, leading to a radical shift in the paradigm of how we deal with mistakes and imperfection in ourselves and in the world.
On a specific psychological level, this means being in contact with the feelings of vengefulness within us, but without surrendering to the punitive thoughts they generate. For we already know that mutual biting does not work. Even if we manage to “win,” it will be a Pyrrhic victory. The only way out of the vicious circle—where the roles of victim and aggressor endlessly exchange places—is to assume the role of the healer: to turn poison into medicine, and the suffering caused by the imperfect world we inhabit into compassion for sinners.
It is important to know that before we can feel compassion for the sinner outside of us, we must first feel compassion for ourselves and for our own human condition. The open wound will initially pour out torrents of vengefulness, hatred, anger, humiliation, and feelings of worthlessness, and the temptation to translate such heavy emotions into action will be great. The animal, instinctual part of us—operating within the paradigm of “an eye for an eye”—can sometimes be overwhelmingly strong. And yet, there is a way beyond it, made possible through the function of thinking, which is capable of seeing the Bigger Picture.
A kind of thinking that understands that justice in the human world is a complex matter, because secular laws differ from spiritual laws. The former are products of human consciousness and change according to its development; the latter pertain to moral values without which the future of humanity would be impossible—values connected to the eternal and encompassing the continuity of the soul’s life beyond bodily death.
It is striking to observe how people who believe in the immortality of the human soul and in the law of karma, at the moment of betrayal forget these beliefs and surrender to thoughts—and often actions—shaped in the spirit of the vengeful Yahweh. They forget the Bigger Picture and how little they know about the hidden causes of what is happening to them. They forget the very values they claim to believe in, and begin to treat the other person in precisely the way for which they had condemned them.
It becomes clear why a shift occurs in the consciousness of God, and why the covenant with humanity changes from “an eye for an eye” to the Covenant of the Rainbow, meant to remind Him that He will no longer annihilate humanity should it sink again into vice. The New Covenant transfers responsibility from Heaven to the human being, and only the capacity to remain faithful to our inner values helps us avoid betraying ourselves in a world where injustice and inequality between people still strike the eye.
After the devoted and patient cleansing of the wound of our own negativity through compassion for ourselves (which is different from self-pity!), the dark blood begins to purify. When and how we will reach the final point of reconciliation and forgiveness, however, lies beyond our control. Judging from my own experience, I can also say that the ability to forgive is an act of grace, because it does not arise from the desire of my conscious attitude. Something deep within me must forgive—and when forgiveness finally arrives, that very depth has itself been transformed.
Just as happiness is a by-product of a fulfilled life rather than a goal in itself, forgiveness is a by-product of completed transformation. And this process is neither easy nor short. Physical separation from the one who betrayed us is not enough to release the emotional bitterness of what was done. True separation occurs only when not a single drop of negativity or accusation toward the Betrayer remains. In this sense, reaching forgiveness is not a matter of healing—it is a matter of maturation. It does not concern the other, but ourselves. It is not a matter of rational decision, but of the capacity to endure pain until from it is born “long-suffering love, which forgives all things.”
There is a hidden reason why our fate intertwines with the fate of another person, why we bind ourselves deeply to them, and then experience betrayal. In the introduction to Horoscope for Two, astrologer Mona Riegger writes:
“The wisdom of the soul reveals itself most openly when we enter into a soul-union with another person. This person awaits us with a message, with a lesson we urgently need for our further development. This is the only reason we fall in love, the only reason we bind our being to another and allow ourselves to become emotionally and existentially dependent.
An encounter with someone who will exert a profound influence on the remainder of our life occurs only when we are ready for it in the deepest part of our being.
From the perspective of experience, our conscious intentions and our most pressing desires have little effect on what happens to us in a broader sense. Whether this concerns meeting our own child for the first time, or a life partner or business partner, is of lesser importance on the level of the soul. Experiences with siblings, long-term friends, roommates, or business rivals offer us opportunities—pleasant or painful—to grow spiritually and mature inwardly.”
In order to move beyond the punitive and judgmental thoughts generated by outrage at injustice, we must adopt the perspective of God—who becomes threefold: the One who writes the script of betrayal, the One who plays the role of the betrayed, and the One who plays the role of the betrayer. After long years of effort in withdrawing projections, uncovering hidden complicity, and taking responsibility for our choices and reactions, we eventually discover that all of this happened because we wanted it—not with our minds, but with our souls.
Therefore, if you feel betrayed and find it difficult to forgive, let at least this be a consolation. Forgiveness comes at the end—not through the force of personal will, but as a reward for sincere intention and as an act of divine grace.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
