If you feel the need for change—if you long for something new in your relationship—do not change your partner; change something within yourself.
One of the main challenges in long-term relationships is how partners deal with the inevitable crises that arise from the relationship’s development and the need for change. In such moments, the inner conflict produced by the tension between two seemingly opposite forces—the desire for commitment and the desire for freedom—can be deeply agonizing. When this happens, the usual response is either to betray oneself (by suppressing one’s true needs) or to betray one’s partner (by entering a love triangle). It may seem as though there is no solution to such an inner conflict—only “casualties.”
Yet there is a solution. And it lies in realizing the need for freedom and change in an inner rather than an outer way. This means arriving at freedom within the partnership by freeing oneself from unrealistic expectations, false assumptions, and emotional dependence on the partner’s reactions. And it means allowing change to occur by embarking on the most exciting adventure of all—to be genuine, to be oneself. This is the way to remain faithful both to the other and to oneself: by staying in contact with one’s own truth and being free to express it openly.
In the ideal case, change in one partner leads to change in the other, and the relationship continues to grow and remain alive. But if change in one partner is not accompanied by change in the other and this persists over time, separation may follow. Of course, separation is also a solution—but it is a good one only if a person has first succeeded in making the necessary inner changes. Otherwise, every subsequent change of partner will amount to the familiar acrobatic exercise of jumping from one thorn bush into another.
Therefore, if you feel the need for change, for something new in your relationship, begin by seeking what you would like to change within yourself. And if this change meets resistance in the other, do not give up. If you manage conflicts in a mature way, this can bring an unusual freshness and vitality into your partnership.
Kameliya Hadziyska
