Below is an abridged version of an excerpt from Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is, in which she presents her method known as The Work. In it, she explains how to use the power of inquiry to examine the truth about the thoughts that cause us suffering.
Although presented here in a highly condensed form, I have chosen to share it because I find it deeply valuable.
All that is required is a blank sheet of paper and the sincere willingness to write down your judgments about
“any situation in your life, past, present, or future – about a person you dislike or worry about, someone who angers or frightens or saddens you, or someone you’re ambivalent or confused about.”
It is especially helpful if this is someone you have not totally forgiven. Katie writes that this is the most powerful way to begin practicing The Work, because
“Even if we have forgiven that person 99 percent, we are not free until our forgiveness is complete. The 1 percent we haven’t forgiven that person is the very place where we are stuck in all our other relationships (including our relationship with ourselves).”
Once we are clear about the person or situation that is the source of stress in our lives, we can begin writing down everything we think about it. To do so, we use the six questions offered by the method and try to answer them as honestly as possible.
“I invite you,” Katie writes, “to be as judgmental, childish, and petty as you were in that situation. Don’t try to be wiser or kinder than you were. This is a time to be totally honest and uncensored about why you were hurt and how you felt in that situation. Allow your feelings to express themselves as they arise, without any fear of consequences or any threat of punishment.”
The questions that will help you understand your relationship to the person or event are as follows:
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In this situation, who angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you, and why?
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In this situation, how do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
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In this situation, what advice would you offer them?
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In order for you to be happy in this situation, what do you need them to think, say, feel, or do?
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What do you think of them in this situation? Make a list. (Remember, be petty and judgmental.)
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What is it about this situation that you don’t ever want to experience again?
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Once you have written down your answers to these questions, the time comes to examine their truthfulness. The criterion for truth, in this case, is their closeness to reality.
For this reason, Katie invites us to ask another kind of questions, allowing the answers to arise spontaneously from the heart rather than from a prejudiced mind. Through these questions, we inquire into the following:
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Is it true?
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Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
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How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
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Who would you be without the thought?
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These four questions are applied to each of the answers given to the six initial questions.
After that comes the final part of The Work – the turnaround. This consists of reversing each of the statements you originally wrote in response to the six questions, turning them around so that they refer to you rather than to the other person or event.
For example, if you wrote, “Ivan doesn’t listen to me enough,” this is the moment to write the same statement but directed toward yourself: “I don’t listen to him enough.”
You then look for three concrete and sincere examples in your life in which this turnaround is true. In other words, can you recall moments when you genuinely did not listen to the other person?
Another possible turnaround of the same statement is: “He listens to me,” which may become, “I don’t listen to myself enough.” Ideally, these types of turnarounds should also be supported by real-life examples.
It becomes clear that this method is genuinely creative and helps us take responsibility for our own happiness. If you engage in this process, you may be quite surprised by the truth revealed through a shift in perspective.
The turnaround of Question 6 is a little different from the other turnarounds. The statement “don’t ever want to…” turns around to “I am willing to…” and “I look forward to…”
This particular turnaround relates to embracing all of life, just as it is, and creating an openness to encounter those aspects of life that may come to us again, even if we preferred they did not. If, after making this turnaround, we allow for the possibility that it might be true, we open ourselves to accepting life as it is.
This practice also prepares us for unpleasant events in a way that allows us to meet them differently: as opportunities to examine our beliefs, to free ourselves from their influence over our lives, and to attain a higher level of inner freedom.
If this is the response that the “Games of Synchronicity” have brought to you, here is one further clarification. In case you do not have the time to ask yourself all of these questions in order to investigate the truth about your thoughts, ask yourself instead this single question:
“To what extent is the way I am thinking the primary reason I feel this way right now? And to what extent, if I were to change this way of thinking (by questioning the beliefs connected to my concern), would the way I feel change as well?”
Perhaps the time has come to examine your thinking and the degree to which it corresponds to the reality of life.
It is a difficult lesson, but a fundamental one.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
