“However, it is our Souls, not our Egos that create our lives. For instance, our Souls may choose to experience sickness or other kinds of loss or suffering as a way to be initiated into deeper wisdom so that we might grow. Such choices are anathema to the Ego, whose function is to help keep us healthy and well functioning, and consequently the Ego feels victimized when such events occur (just as the Soul feels victimized when the Ego makes security and status its main priorities).” — Carol S. Pearson, Awakening the Heroes Within
Broadly speaking, the difference between “I want” and “I need” is the difference between things we can live without and what is truly essential for us. When we learn to use the conflict between desires in the correct way, it becomes a tool for recognizing our true priorities. And because the external and internal are two sides of the same coin, we choose which side the eyes perceive. As a rule, we first see the external, and only after experiencing the frustration of the obstructed desire can we turn inward and ask: “What do I truly want?”
Do I want him/her to love me, or do I need love itself (even if that means I may not receive what I want)? Do I want to achieve this goal, or do I need to realize the soul’s potential for which I was born on this earth (even if it looks very different from my expectations)? Do I want a home and money, or do I need to cultivate a sense of security and inner worth that is independent of material circumstances?
There is nothing wrong with wanting specific things from the outer world. The problem arises when the individuation impulse awakens, which is the awakening of the soul. For the soul, the inner matters more than the outer. When it seeks to develop a quality such as patience, it will place obstacles in our path until we release our preconceived notions of when things must happen. If we lack self-confidence and are overly influenced by the opinions of others, life will present disappointments, and those close to us may not understand or support us. If we lack compassion and forgiveness, we may encounter transgressors, or we ourselves may act in ways we later regret.
There are countless examples, but the underlying principle is the same: the conflict of desires is resolved on the level of the soul. Often, this misunderstanding explains why people who begin psychotherapy fail to achieve the changes they seek – they look for them externally, rather than within themselves. When the time comes for the soul’s development, conscious intentions for change as envisioned by the ego begin to be frustrated.
For example, we may want to emerge from our depression, but if our “inner Inanna” is journeying through the underworld – having reached the third gate with several more to pass before meeting her sister Ereshkigal – even a conscious intention to rise to the upper world achieves nothing. The soul’s desire is for development and is indifferent to the earthly self’s desires. In such cases, even when we attempt to do the “right” things – exercising, socializing – we lack the energy to follow through. Instead, we stand aside from the flow of life, wanting only to be left alone.
There are many examples of the difference between “I want” and “I need”, and the essence is that this distinction reflects the differing desires of the earthly self versus the soul. These desires are fulfilled differently – at a concrete, external, material level (as the ego desires), or at a symbolic, internal, psychic level (as the soul desires). When we enter a period in which our earthly desires are frustrated, it is a sign to ask: “What is the soul trying to tell me?”
Byron Katie has a thought: “How do I know I don’t need what I don’t have? By not having it.” I would paraphrase it as: “How do I recognize my deepest desire? By seeing what life presents me in this moment.”
When we understand that the outer world reflects the inner, we begin to synchronize the desires of both aspects of the self. Distinguishing between “I want” and “I need” is a guide to discerning the essential from the nonessential. When we do this, inner harmony arises, because the world – and we as a part of it – will always differ from our preconceived ideas of how it should be. We realize that all we truly need is already here and now, and we find peace. We accept that everything that happens in our lives is attracted by the soul to support our growth. And instead of resenting the failure of our desires, we understand how to turn obstacles along the path into stepping stones for the soul’s development.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
