Do you know the story of the frog who, after being kissed by the princess, turned into a prince? Carol Pearson, author of The Hero Within, writes that in the original version of this tale, the “disenchanting action” is very different. Consequently, its psychological interpretation is also different, carrying profound implications for what constitutes the transformative power of love.
*“It is important to remember that we always have a choice. Saying ‘yes’ to life matters only when you know you can say ‘no.’ Sometimes we want to say ‘no’ to something that someone else intends as a gift for us. Sometimes people give us gifts to manipulate us, or give out of a sense of duty when it is not appropriate to do so. Or it may be appropriate for them to give, but not appropriate for us to receive the gift.
Accepting such gifts can harm both parties. In the well-known fairy tale ‘The Frog Prince,’ a young princess drops her golden ball into a pond, which makes her very sad. A frog emerges from the water and says he will find her ball if she promises to let him eat from her bowl and sleep on her pillow. She agrees, and he brings the ball. Then, to her horror, her father insists she keep her promise. In the version I was told as a child, the frog turns into a prince when the princess kisses him. There are countless jokes about how many frogs women kiss in the hope that one will turn into a prince, but almost no one addresses how the princess suppresses her revulsion. She feels disgust toward the frog, and the hidden moral of the tale is that a proper young princess should suppress these feelings.
Here, a comparison with a similar tale is useful. ‘Beauty and the Beast’ is the prototype of a Magician’s tale. Here, too, the princess transforms the beast into a prince with a kiss, but the circumstances are different from those in ‘The Frog Prince.’ The Beast behaves toward Beauty in a very noble way: he is always kind and generous to her. Every night he asks her to marry him, but she remains true to her feelings and always refuses. He respects her right to refuse, even though he knows it might mean remaining a monster forever, as only love can break the spell and restore his human form. Finally, when she agrees to marry him, Beauty truly intends to do so. She truly loves him. Only then does he turn back into a prince. ‘Beauty and the Beast’ shows that we can transform not only ourselves but also others if we love them as they are—especially if they allow that love in.
‘The Frog Prince,’ however, is a different story. The frog uses the princess, and she is emotionally immature, not as wise as Beauty, and cannot love the frog as a frog. In ‘Kiss Sleeping Beauty Goodbye,’ however, Madonna Kolbenschlag delights me by explaining that in the original version of the frog prince tale, the frog is transformed not by a kiss, but only after the princess manifests her disgust, grabs the frog, and throws him into the fire. (I always imagine she shouted ‘Ugh, how gross!’ as she threw him.)
I know many people who have been transformed because someone loved them as they are—warts and all. I also know that in our culture, love often means coddling people, allowing them to abuse you. I have seen more men change, I think, when their wives stop tolerating their male chauvinism than when they accept it. I have seen children change when parents decide it is enough to tell them to behave as their prudence, or at least simple reason, dictates. Actually, I don’t think this is a duality.
I think love, wise love, sometimes requires a transformative throwing into the fire instead of supporting the monstrous or the frog-like in people. Throwing the frog into the fire is also an act of self-respect on the part of the princess. She has enough respect for herself not to force herself to kiss a frog—regardless of what her father said! Regardless of what she promised!”*
If you find yourself in a situation where you are trying to accept another person as they are, ask yourself: “Is my acceptance genuine, or does it feel like a violation of my own nature?” When you connect with the truth of the feeling, you will understand which fairy tale plot is the appropriate path for your transformation and that of the other. You will choose—the kiss or the fire. Both are equally correct; it all depends on whether you are facing the Frog-Prince or the Beast-Prince.
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
