What Is a Spoiled Child
“A spoiled child is not a child who receives too much of what it wants.
A spoiled child is one who does not receive enough of what it needs.”
This is Jesper Juul’s definition of a spoiled child from his book “Here I Am! Who are You?” Juul, a Danish family therapist whom I introduced in my previous article On Closeness, Respect, and Boundaries Between Parents and Children, has a remarkable ability to make useful distinctions that lead to real solutions. The distinction he makes here—between wants and needs—is one of them.
Our children may want many things, but what truly helps them grow into psychologically healthy and happy individuals is having their needs for love and affection met: to be seen, accepted, and heard—even when they do not receive the toy they want.
“We should not allow a child’s wishes to govern family life. If children get everything they want, they will most likely not get what they need most: close contact with responsible adults.”
The Magic Word “No”
And here we arrive at another essential issue—the ability to say “no” to our children when necessary. As Juul writes, in our relationship with children we act from the position of responsible adults. Being a responsible adult means many things, but above all it means having taken responsibility for ourselves and for our own needs.
Another way of saying the same thing is that we have become a fully capable parent to our own inner child. If we have learned to distinguish between “I want” and “I need” with regard to the desires of our inner child, it becomes much easier to decide when to say “yes” and when to say “no” to the wishes of our outer child.
I know how difficult it is to say “no” when you want to make the other person happy—especially when that person is your own child. Yet it is precisely this difficult little word that acts as the “border guard,” patrolling the intermediate zone between ourselves and others, where our different desires meet the limitations of the material world.
“No” makes visible the boundary between ourselves and others—a boundary we realize exists when we hear the word “no” and encounter refusal. As in most two-way processes, the parent has the power to set the tone: if a parent can accept their child’s “no,” the child will in turn find it easier to accept the parent’s refusal.
Here is how Jesper Juul comments on this magical word that helps create healthy boundaries between ourselves and others:
“For generations, parents have said: ‘Children must learn to accept that the answer can be No.’
It is now time for parents themselves to learn this lesson…
The right to say ‘no’ and ‘that’s enough’ is linked to the parents’ right to set their own boundaries—to distinguish themselves from their children.
If saying ‘no’ to children means saying ‘yes’ to one’s own fundamental personal needs, then this ‘no’ is an answer filled with love.
On the other hand, a ‘no’ that comes as self-defense after having been suppressed for too long does not work. It turns adults into victims and shifts the blame onto children.
The principle is the same: if parents want children to respect their ‘no,’ parents themselves must respect the child’s ‘no.’ Only when we accept ‘no’ within the family can we prevent desire from turning into obligation, and love from turning into guilt.”
“Adults and children are alike in this: when we feel that others take our needs and wishes seriously, it becomes less important for us to always be right or to always get our way.”
“The way we behave in conflicts with our children sooner or later becomes the way they behave with us. Children take us as seriously as we take them.”
How We Make Decisions
There is one more important aspect to consider here: the way we make decisions. As Jesper Juul says, when it comes to decisions, the more important question is not what, but how.
“Of course it matters what parents decide, but what is crucial for children’s health and well-being is how those decisions are made—whether in the form of dictatorship or democracy, conservatively or flexibly, according to momentary moods or thoughtfully and consistently. This is the foundation for the consistent development of values.”
— Jesper Juul
Being able to treat both our own needs and our child’s needs with respect is difficult, because it requires wisdom. Wisdom is a quality each person acquires individually, based on personal experience, trial and error. It reflects one’s temperament and is influenced by the specific circumstances of each situation.
We must decide anew each time, simply because the quality of time and place is different. This wisdom is the main reason I appreciate this author’s work.
“The absence of method is characteristic of human relationships that are based primarily on mutual love.
We can learn how to behave with colleagues, bosses, neighbors, and so on—by mastering certain rituals. We can learn how to raise dogs and train horses; for all of this there are methods. But not for relationships with the people with whom we are in the closest and most continuous contact.
Methods eliminate differences, and with them equality disappears. We must endure uncertainty every day and experiment with new ways of relating. What worked yesterday may not work today, because we are constantly changing on a personal level.”
— Jesper Juul
The core criteria for psychological health in families and organizations are the same: respect for difference; openness to feedback; flexibility and change; a search for truth and closeness to facts instead of distortion, lies, and manipulation; openness and trust; spontaneity and creativity.
The most important of these, however, is the presence of healthy boundaries.
Boundaries mean psychological differentiation, the withdrawal of projections, and taking responsibility for one’s own life—and for one’s own choices.
They are essential for meaningful communication and success in life for every individual, but they are even more crucial for those on a spiritual path. A spoiled child is nothing compared to an adult in a state of “ego inflation,” caused by having failed to distinguish their small, earthly ego from what does not belong to it—because it does not originate from it.
More than that: when used correctly, boundaries become a springboard to the boundless. As Jung says,
“Only in the extreme degree of limitation can one know the boundless.”
Kameliya Hadzhiyska
Note: The quotations are translated from Bulgarian and are not presented as verbatim citations.
