{"id":151251,"date":"2014-10-29T09:30:08","date_gmt":"2014-10-29T07:30:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/espirited.com\/jesper-juhl-on-the-spoiled-child-the-magic-word-no-and-how-to-make-decisions\/"},"modified":"2026-01-30T10:53:03","modified_gmt":"2026-01-30T08:53:03","slug":"jesper-juhl-on-the-spoiled-child-the-magic-word-no-and-how-to-make-decisions","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/espirited.com\/en\/jesper-juhl-on-the-spoiled-child-the-magic-word-no-and-how-to-make-decisions\/","title":{"rendered":"Jesper Juul on the Spoiled Child and the Meaning of \u201cNo\u201d"},"content":{"rendered":"

What Is a Spoiled Child<\/h2>\n
\n

\u201cA spoiled child is not a child who receives too much of what it wants.
A spoiled child is one who does not receive enough of what it needs.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

This is Jesper Juul\u2019s definition of a spoiled child from his book “Here I Am! Who are You?<\/a>”\u00a0Juul, a Danish family therapist whom I introduced in my previous article On Closeness, Respect, and Boundaries Between Parents and Children<\/em>, has a remarkable ability to make useful distinctions that lead to real solutions. The distinction he makes here\u2014between wants and needs\u2014is one of them.<\/p>\n

Our children may want many things, but what truly helps them grow into psychologically healthy and happy individuals is having their needs for love and affection met: to be seen, accepted, and heard\u2014even when they do not receive the toy they want.<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cWe should not allow a child\u2019s wishes to govern family life. If children get everything they want, they will most likely not get what they need most: close contact with responsible adults.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

The Magic Word \u201cNo\u201d<\/h2>\n

And here we arrive at another essential issue\u2014the ability to say \u201cno\u201d to our children when necessary. As Juul writes, in our relationship with children we act from the position of responsible adults. Being a responsible adult means many things, but above all it means having taken responsibility for ourselves and for our own needs.<\/p>\n

Another way of saying the same thing is that we have become a fully capable parent to our own inner child. If we have learned to distinguish between \u201cI want\u201d and \u201cI need\u201d with regard to the desires of our inner child, it becomes much easier to decide when to say \u201cyes\u201d and when to say \u201cno\u201d to the wishes of our outer child.<\/p>\n

I know how difficult it is to say \u201cno\u201d when you want to make the other person happy\u2014especially when that person is your own child. Yet it is precisely this difficult little word that acts as the \u201cborder guard,\u201d patrolling the intermediate zone between ourselves and others, where our different desires meet the limitations of the material world.<\/p>\n

\u201cNo\u201d makes visible the boundary between ourselves and others\u2014a boundary we realize exists when we hear the word \u201cno\u201d and encounter refusal. As in most two-way processes, the parent has the power to set the tone: if a parent can accept their child\u2019s \u201cno,\u201d the child will in turn find it easier to accept the parent\u2019s refusal.<\/p>\n

Here is how Jesper Juul comments on this magical word that helps create healthy boundaries between ourselves and others:<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cFor generations, parents have said: \u2018Children must learn to accept that the answer can be No.\u2019
It is now time for parents themselves to learn this lesson\u2026<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

The right to say \u2018no\u2019 and \u2018that\u2019s enough\u2019 is linked to the parents\u2019 right to set their own boundaries\u2014to distinguish themselves from their children.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

If saying \u2018no\u2019 to children means saying \u2018yes\u2019 to one\u2019s own fundamental personal needs, then this \u2018no\u2019 is an answer filled with love.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

On the other hand, a \u2018no\u2019 that comes as self-defense after having been suppressed for too long does not work. It turns adults into victims and shifts the blame onto children.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

The principle is the same: if parents want children to respect their \u2018no,\u2019 parents themselves must respect the child\u2019s \u2018no.\u2019 Only when we accept \u2018no\u2019 within the family can we prevent desire from turning into obligation, and love from turning into guilt.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

\u201cAdults and children are alike in this: when we feel that others take our needs and wishes seriously, it becomes less important for us to always be right or to always get our way.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

\u201cThe way we behave in conflicts with our children sooner or later becomes the way they behave with us. Children take us as seriously as we take them.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\u2014 Jesper Juul<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n

How We Make Decisions<\/h2>\n

There is one more important aspect to consider here: the way we make decisions. As Jesper Juul says, when it comes to decisions, the more important question is not what<\/em>, but how<\/em>.<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cOf course it matters what parents decide, but what is crucial for children\u2019s health and well-being is how those decisions are made\u2014whether in the form of dictatorship or democracy, conservatively or flexibly, according to momentary moods or thoughtfully and consistently. This is the foundation for the consistent development of values.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\u2014 Jesper Juul<\/strong><\/p>\n

Being able to treat both our own needs and our child\u2019s needs with respect is difficult, because it requires wisdom. Wisdom is a quality each person acquires individually, based on personal experience, trial and error. It reflects one\u2019s temperament and is influenced by the specific circumstances of each situation.<\/p>\n

We must decide anew each time, simply because the quality of time and place is different. This wisdom is the main reason I appreciate this author\u2019s work.<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cThe absence of method is characteristic of human relationships that are based primarily on mutual love.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

We can learn how to behave with colleagues, bosses, neighbors, and so on\u2014by mastering certain rituals. We can learn how to raise dogs and train horses; for all of this there are methods. But not for relationships with the people with whom we are in the closest and most continuous contact.<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\n

Methods eliminate differences, and with them equality disappears. We must endure uncertainty every day and experiment with new ways of relating. What worked yesterday may not work today, because we are constantly changing on a personal level.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

\u2014 Jesper Juul<\/strong><\/p>\n

The core criteria for psychological health in families and organizations are the same: respect for difference; openness to feedback; flexibility and change; a search for truth and closeness to facts instead of distortion, lies, and manipulation; openness and trust; spontaneity and creativity.<\/p>\n

The most important of these, however, is the presence of healthy boundaries.<\/p>\n

Boundaries mean psychological differentiation, the withdrawal of projections, and taking responsibility for one\u2019s own life\u2014and for one\u2019s own choices.<\/p>\n

They are essential for meaningful communication and success in life for every individual, but they are even more crucial for those on a spiritual path. A spoiled child is nothing compared to an adult in a state of \u201cego inflation,\u201d caused by having failed to distinguish their small, earthly ego from what does not belong to it\u2014because it does not originate from it.<\/p>\n

More than that: when used correctly, boundaries become a springboard to the boundless. As Jung says,<\/p>\n

\n

\u201cOnly in the extreme degree of limitation can one know the boundless.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n

Kameliya Hadzhiyska<\/strong><\/p>\n

\n

Note: The quotations are translated from Bulgarian and are not presented as verbatim citations.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

What Is a Spoiled Child \u201cA spoiled child is not a child who receives too much of what it wants.A spoiled child is one who does not receive enough of what it needs.\u201d This is Jesper Juul\u2019s definition of a spoiled child from his book “Here I Am! Who are You?”\u00a0Juul, a Danish family therapist […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":149487,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[648],"tags":[707,649],"class_list":["post-151251","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-emotional-intelligence","tag-parents-and-children","tag-relationships"],"acf":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t